The charges brought against Winona Ryder for her 2001 kleptomaniacal shopping spree at Saks Fifth Avenue have been reduced from felonies to misdemeanors, as long as she keeps her fast fingers to herself for the duration of her probation. Now, what kind of message does this send to rich shoplifting brats? If you have enough money and don’t actually need to steal, the district attorney will do legal gymnastics to help you preserve your reputation? If you swiped a watch or two to feed your kids, though, you can bet your tuchis you’d be hung out to dry.

When we were little children we used to dream about going to the Oscars and walking down the red carpet. Until our fantasies became nightmares haunted by an ongoing Velcro-voiced narrative of “Oh! Did you see this gown? She looks like P. Diddy in drag! Oh, please!” When Joan Rivers took over the red carpet commentary, we knew we’d never, ever go to the Oscars (even if we were nominated by the Academy) for fear of her raspy wrath. But on this side of the screen she’s pretty damn funny.
Joan, who looks like she’s been frequenting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson, has ditched her post as E!’s Oscars Wicked Witch and signed a fat deal with the TV Guide Channel. Her daughter Melissa, who has no discernible career skills other than concurring with her mother and vapidly flashing her flawless orthodontia, will join her, of course.

This was forwarded to our inbox by someone who knows someone who knows the cousin of the guy who works at the coffeeshop where this girl gets her latte everyday:

Subject: Invoice 6/12/04
Date: Sat, 12 Jun 2004 17:15:59 EDT
Dear Dana:
On June 5, you agreed to accept dinner, paid for in full, by me, based on
your stated offer that we would go out again. In that you have ignored all
overtures to said follow up meeting, you are hereby considered in breach of
contract.
To that end, you are being invoiced for 50% of the cost of the dinner,
pursuant to the offer. For the record, the offer presented you with the option of
not going out again and paying for half of the dinner, or going out again and
not paying at all. You accepted these terms, choosing to go out again, as stated
above, but have since failed to deliver your end of the agreement. In that
this was merely a promise to meet, and not a promise to marry, the agreement is
binding under New York law and does not require a written agreement (i.e.
statute of frauds).
Furthermore, this is absolutely not a joke.
Your share is 50% of $74.51 which is a total of $37.25. Payment in full is
expected within 30 days.
You may remit to:
Andrew Goldberg
720 Greenwich Street, #4d
NY NY 10012

Andy. Bubbeleh. Is the thirty-seven bucks worth what such pettiness has done to your reputation? Dana didn’t like you, man. Maybe Miss Schnurrer should have coughed up her half at dinner if she didn’t want to go out with you again, but you’re never going to find love counting pennies.

…The Kabbalah Center has swooped a former President into its all-celebrity consuming grasp? It looks like one of those infamous red string bracelets to us, fer shur. It’s really not that bad– Clinton is the closest thing to a Jewish president this country has ever had.

From The Forward’s blog, Fiddish:

“I’ll bet you $10…
That a bunch of kids show up for the Purim costume contest next year dressed-up like Madonna, declaring that they are actually Queen Esther. In any such contest where only one kid has done this, the kid will walk away with a ribbon.”

Jewish comedian and all-around misanthrope Larry David tells the Daily Dish “I’ve done one decent thing in my life, albeit inadvertently.”
The Curb Your Enthusiasm star is referring to the release of Juan Catalan from jail after he was mistakenly charged with the murder of a 16 year-old girl. Catalan’s lawyer maintained his client at the ballpark that night, the same Dodgers game where David was filming an episode of his show (the one where David hires a hooker so he can drive in the carpool lane.) Edited footage revealed that Catalan was indeed innocent.
We knew under that mean-spirited talk ol’ Larry was just an old softy.

Award-winning Jewish actor and Yiddish singer Mandy Patinkin has his prostate removed after being diagnosed with cancer last month. His agents report that he’s recovering nicely and should be back to work soon.
We love Mandy’s Mamalosheh and don’t deny his Broadway appeal, but we like him just as well as the swashbuckling scarface Inigo Montoya in the Princess Bride and as James Caan’s snakey sidekick in Alien Nation.

Here’s another celeb to add to the J-list: Betty Boop entertained our grandparents’ generation with a particular brand of saucy sexiness that just won’t go away. Sure, she’s a cartoon, but you can’t deny that girlfriend’s hot. Think anyone will remember Laura Croft in 80 years? Wethinks not. Maybe those chicks from Heavy Metal might be around, but none of ’em can ward off evil with just a giggle.
Check out the full story, originally printed in Lilith magazine.