South African centenarian Philip Rabinowitz earned his spot in the Guinness Book of World Records last week after tearing across the 100 meter finish line in 30.86 seconds, making him the oldest, fastest dude on the planet.
Crazy thing about the race is that the stopwatch snafu’d on his first try that day. Instead of taking it as a sign that running around is an easy way to break his 100 year-old hips, he went back and broke the record. We don’t know why we find this story so compelling, but it gives much hope to our aching 30-something bones.

Look! Lindsey Lohan got a Kabbalah bracelet to match her new boobs!
This pic was originally posted by Rooftop Report, but we love Defamer‘s take:
“Expect the Kabbalah Centre to be stormed by an ecumenical mob of fourteen-year-old girls in red string bracelets and forty-year-old men in sweatpants who completely ignore the aging pop megastar with the creepy, veiny biceps at the front of the room.”

Poor Bobby Fischer. The former chess champion now languishes in a Tokyo jail, spinning schizophrenic yarns about America and the “international Jewish conspiracy.” The Pasadena Star News comments that “the saddest people are the really smart ones gone crazy. When their insanity–biological, situational, whatever– turns for perverse solace to that weirdest kind of racism, the self-loathing kind, it’s the saddest sight of all.”
Read the whole story here.

In the San Francisco region of Jmerica, social situations can get kind of hairy for those of us wearing our Jewish heritage on our sleeves. While we’re too preoccupied with shallow celebrity doings and weird Jewish news items to pretend to be an authority on Israeli policies and the history of the Middle East, we can’t help but get rankled when confronted by well-meaning liberal zealots who want to know how we feel about “the situation.”
These folks see the Palestinians as long-oppressed refugees, and since everyone loves the underdog (especially in the Bay Area, where brit milah is considered baby mutilation in some circles), anti-Israeli (and by ignorant association, anti-Semitic) sentiment taints the fog rolling in through the Golden Gate. We don’t mind being unpopular and we’re happy to let everyone have his or her free speech, but it always helps to have some facts on hand when waiting in line at the health food store behind someone wearing an “End the Colonial Occupation of Palestine” t-shirt. That, and a Xanax to keep us from smacking him in the keppe with a bag of mung beans.
Anyway, there’s a new blog from some folks living out in the territories called Yesha Speaks Out (Judea, Samaria, Gaza and the Jordan Valley all fall into the header “Yesha.”) Again, we may never know enough about politics to go toe-to-toe with the pundits, but we believe in Israel’s right to exist. The Palestinian leadership does not. We want peace as much as our bleeding-heart neighbors, but we won’t succumb to the f’d up rhetoric of people who can’t get their facts straight.

Rambling and strange acronyms aside, Ric’s (Rugged, Intellectual, Confident) humble autobiography shows us there are all kinds of Jews out there.
We dig the reader-submitted vibe of The Jewish Magazine; it’s a refreshing change from so much other pretentious horsesh*t that limits Jewish people.

We’ve never participated in speed dating (unless you count that boozy second semester sophomore year) but it evokes images of Ritalin-ravaged thirtysomethings standing and sitting more times than the frummers on a Friday night. We’ll stick to the privacy of online photos and profiles rather than spend six minutes with this guy. Or her.
Anyway, Florida’s Star Banner attributes the revelation of speed dating to a rabbi. Who knew it would evolve into beers at Hooligan’s with a cheerleading facilitator ringing a cow bell?

According to the fine journalistic publication The Star, Madonna’s rabbi Yehuda Berg thinks adding another puppy to her litter “would be a great thing for her spiritual growth.” Of course it would, unless someone took away her nanny, maid, personal trainer and Kabbalah guru; then that third kid would be an excellent catalyst for a harried housewife’s nervous breakdown.
Also in the news:
Web India reports that Madge sang two songs in Yiddish at a recent party, igniting rumors that she’s planning to release an album in the Mother Tongue. That’d be great, her producers could throw in a snappy techno beat and it’d be all the rage in the gay clubs!

Lil’ Jeffie (ha! he’s 6’4″) has been busy in his hometown of Pittsburgh, PA. The 51 year-old tall drink of water sings and dances in a production of The Music Man with his 24 year-old fiancee, who was still in diapers when he made The Big Chill. To top off the tabloid fodder, a film crew is tailing the happy couple for a new reality TV series. Hmm, a ho-hum musical with a third wife in Pittsburgh? Probably not primetime material.

Originally printed in the Orange County Register, this story was republished for the good people of Fort Wayne, Indiana, who have now been turned on to the hot new trend of Judaism. Will the faux mitzvah join the ranks of 4-H and bow-hunting accidents as fashionable teenage rites of passage?