Our favorite king of crass Rodney Dangerfield admits to being a depressed nudist stoner kept remotely fit for societal contact only by his saintly Mormon (and hot) wife. We hear his new memoir, It’s Not Easy Bein’ Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs, is worth more than a few guffaws.
(We’d link you to an online bookseller, but we’re on a boycott bender. Please, patronize your local independent bookstore.)

Definitely check out this article from Catholic News Service about the descendants of Spain’s crypto-Jews. In the 15th century under the pressure of royal a-holes King Ferdinand’s and Queen Isabella’s bloodbath, many Jews converted to Catholicsm to avoid some of the most gruesome torture techniques even conceived. Eventually, the murderous royal duo decided their money would be better spent on sending Christopher Columbus out to conquer the world than using hounds to sniff out Sabbath candles, so they expelled the marranos from Spain. The refugees kept their Jewish flame burning in private and passed down certain rituals to their families who settled in Latin America and part of New Mexico. Consequently, many American Hispanics are rediscovering their Jewish roots.
Bailamos la hora!

Ever the strategist, Bobby Fischer has pulled a move out of his tuches that might impede his deportation to the United States. You may remember that he surfaced recently in Tokyo yelling all kinds of mishegoss about renouncing his U.S. citizenship and spouting a bunch of anti-Semitic crap (his mother was J.) He remains detained in Japan on invalid passport issues, and now plans to marry Japanese chess matriach Miyoko Watai to avoid coming back to the States. He says he’s tried to officially become un-American by meeting with an embassy officer, but no one returns his calls. We don’t know of any plans to “un-Jewish” himself, but we’re giving our approval now.

Okay, Caprice hounds, we know you’ve exhausted the online annals of her sexy photos, so how ’bout learning a few personal tidbits about your favorite Jewish supermodel? We weren’t surprised by her lil’ Stinker (apparently, the hotter the chick, the tinier the dog) but the Zepplin threw us for a loop. We had figured her as more of a disco girl.

j. reports that our favorite sex therapist has gone to Israel in search of some sumpin sumpin to keep her warm this winter. She might be 76, but that’s not stopping the randy old girl from hooking up in the Holy Land! Any senior Jmericans willing and able? We’ll spring for the Viagra, you kids go have a good time…

…but New York wanted to run her plastic ass outta town when she cracked this joke as part of her nightclub routine:
“Jewish women will never be terrorists. ‘Does the bomb make me look fat?’ A Jewish woman will never put a bomb in a Gucci bag, after all the men she f**ked to get it.”
Ooops, Joan, a few more like that you’ll be back hawking tacky 40-carat cubic zirconia jewelry on QVC in no time!

(Actually, we think it’s pretty funny.)

Former Screw publisher and media despot Al Goldstein has lost it all– the cars, the swanky house, the bling– and is now, at 68 years old, living with his in-laws. We kind of felt sorry for him until the article mentioned he now wears a silver cross against his chest hair and says “I feel doomed as a Jew,” he said. “I’ll try anything else.”
He should’ve tried listened to his mother when she told him to go to dental school! What does he think, Jesus won’t recognize him as a dirty old man?

One of us took a trip to Utah last week, and never again will we fear this ultra-goyishe state. The people were just so plain nice, in spite of us being the only MOT’s at the hotel pool (as well as the only ones with piercings, tattoos and voices over one decibel…) Our glimpse of the Mormon Temple was truly awesome, but the building’s lower half was shrouded in scaffolding due to some cosmetic improvement. Always modest, those Mormons.
But proving that Jmerica extends everywhere, we did happen upon a single fellow Jew on our travels. Ari, an avid skier from Israel and a waiter at Park City’s frenchy-style Easy Street Brasserie, is in his 20’s and quite a fine-looking mensch. Any Jewish snowbunnies looking for a date in Utah?

We just got a copy of September’s issue of Discover Magazine and lo and behold its an entire issue dedicated to Jewish Hall of Famer and undisputed father of the general theory of relativity: Big Al! Well that’s what he would have been called on the street had he been kickin’ it with us today. For all of you who avoid quantum physics and relativity like a Rabbi avoids work on Shabbat, this issue breaks down his life, theories, and contributions to humanity in easy to follow pictorials along with detailed articles. They even touch on the controversy surrounding his involvement in the creation of the Atomic Bomb. Einstein replied “The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking… The solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.” (Hence the cover pic). Its a must have reference guide that will even expand the minds of those of us who spend our days drooling over Caprice Bourret pics!