The Jmerica staff laughed their asses off when they read this article in The Jewish Journal by humorist Ted Roberts. He opines,”teaching 12-year-olds to chant haftarah is like teaching dolphins to sing ‘Ah! Che La Morte Ognora’ from ‘Il Trovatore.'” Our Bar Mitzvah memories are pretty foggy (13-year-olds should not be encouraged to give multiple toasts). What we do know is that soon after, our rabbi quit religion altogether to become a flight attendant. We swear it wasn’t our fault…

Barbara Streisand’s fan sites are heating up now that filming for the upcoming “Meet the Parents” sequel “Meet the Fockers” has wrapped up. The first trailer has been released and Babb

Mike Wallace, the 86 year old reporter from the CBS show 60 Minutes was arrested for disorderly conduct yesterday. Apparently, his limo was double parked when he ran in to get a meatloaf (no word on if it was kosher). Upon returning, the cops were telling his driver to move, which apparently pissed him off to the point that the cops said he “lunged” at them. That got him taken to the pokey. We here at Jmerica hope we’re still that feisty at 86, but we would NEVER double park our limo.

For all the fans of the now cult classic film “The Big Lebowski” get ready for the Lebowski Fest hitting NYC this weekend… bring out your costumes, your favorite “Dude” quotes, and your bowling ball! The NY Daily News and the Jpost are buzzing about this gathering of all things Lebowski. Being one of the most quoted films in recent years, fellow “Achievers” (as Lebowski fans call themselves) are amassing a mainstream buzz for their cult. What’s not to love about this classic film with dialogue such as “I’m as Jewish as f**** Tevye! ” and “Saturday is Shabbes. Jewish day of rest. Means I don’t work, I don’t drive a car, I don’t f—— ride in a car, I don’t handle money, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as sh-t don’t f—— roll!”. Get it on DVD and join the cult.

Jewish baseball card collectors around the world (all five of you) rejoice! Fleer has finally gotten it together to issue a Jewish All-Stars set. It comes with 142 Major League players. The set doesn’t come cheap. You need to give a $100 donation to the American Jewish Historical Society, plus $5 for shipping. Silver ($200 donation) and Gold ($500 donation) versions are also available. Interestingly, the dinner served at the Baseball Hall of Fame to celebrate the release will be the first ever Kosher meal served there.

We here at Jmerica actually like basketball better than baseball, but we doubt we’ll see an NBA Jewish All-Star set in our lifetime (or anyone else’s).

Great. Just when we had all those conspiracy theorists convinced that we didn’t control the media, John Odoner had to screw it all up. The New York Times writes about how he plans to start a Jewish network called JTV. In addition to offering lots of news (yawn), it apparently will feature some “scantily clad women”. We’ll set our Tivo.

…was certainly not written by us. But we really enjoyed Rabbi Kalman Packouz’s interpretation of this week’s torah portion from Aish.com. It’s the one where Moses warns the Jewish people not to get caught up in the material perks of being God’s Chosen People lest we forget who put us here, furnishing us with the quote:
“Man does not live by bread alone, but by all that comes out of God’s mouth.” (Deut. 8:3)
The good rabbi turns this into a discussion of free will and reminds us that we have the power to choose the way our lives fare. And since we know you have a choice when traveling the grand scape of the Jewish cyberworld, we thank you for choosing Jmerica today.
Free will and Good Shabbos to all!

p.s. We’re off to Utah for a vacation next week and promise to post a photo of the Mormon Temple.

A Defamer reader disturbed about Target’s hawking of the much-abused red string Kabbalah bracelet wrote the corporate monster a scathing e-mail and receiving this pansy reponse in return:

Your concerns about the Kabbalah string that was sold on www.target.com have been forwarded to my office. I wanted you to know that the Kabbalah string is no longer available on our Web site at www.target.com. This item is not sold in Target stores. Please accept my personal apologies for any offense or disappointment this item has caused you. I hope that you’ll continue to shop at www.target.com and Target stores. Sincerely, Target Executive Offices

Sho ’nuff, no more bengels from Target. How sad for those teenage girls in Kansas who weren’t quick enough!

The feeds were a’buzz today with the news that Madonna has bought, signed and paid for her very own Kabbalah elementary school, slated to open its doors in Manhattan this December. Bet their soccer games against the yeshiva school will be a riot.