We’ve already busted ourselves as bad Jews ’cause we love Halloween. Even now that we’ve found out why we shouldn’t schnorr free candy from the neighbors with all the other boys and girls, we still can’t accept that we’re only allowed to don our princess-whore costume on Purim. Yeah, we like to do Purim right, too (last year we made 500 hamantaschen in a domestic fit fueled by too much allergy medication) but that’s a whole six months away! Plus, we truly appreciate the art of the jack o’ lantern (even the gross ones like this), and we’re sure as hell not going to attempt carving a fig.
Here’s a tip to make Halloween a little more kosher: did ya know you can use leftover pumpkin for latkes?

Our favorite rabbi takes on sexual harassment at work in this week’s Jewsweek column:
“Never in history have women been so sexually exploited as they are today. College girls expose their breasts in exchange for a t-shirt on the Girls Gone Wild videos. MTV has transformed the women’s music industry away from an emphasis on vocals and onto to an emphasis of on cleavage. Posters of Victoria’s Secret models, dressed in thongs and the most revealing lingerie, line our mains thoroughfares, billboards, and buses. Are men really expected to shut all this off the moment they stand in front of a copy machine? Can we really expect a pure office environment to emerge from a degenerate culture?”
We haven’t been subjected to a proper office environment in many years and are in more danger of suffocating on our own b.o. than getting our asses grabbed at work, so frankly, a little sexual harassment might spice up our day. We’re all degenerates here, so we ask you, dear derelict, sex-obsessed readers: is it too much to expect men to behave like menschs, even if the chick in the next cubicle wears thigh-highs?
Rabbi Shmuley is just warming up on this subject: Jewish News of Greater Phoenix reports that his next book will be called “Hating Women: The New Racism and the Scandal of Feminist Indifference.”

Knitting may be the new hip hobby, but the National Council of Jewish Women’s KnitWits have been courageously clicking their needles for charity for years by making scarves, sweaters and other cozies for hospital patients all over New York. Nothing’s too morbid for these ladies- they even knit hats and booties for stillbirth babies so their parents don’t have to see them in a hospital gown. If you yearn to yarn for others, the KnitWits are happy to teach you to purl, too.

We have to admit our attempts at tzedakah (“charity”) are way lame. We rarely write out checks to charitable organizations (and then only for the free tote bag,) barely cover our synagogue dues and occasionally pass a fiver to the woman and her kid standing by the freeway. When it comes to helping the poor, we’ve usually been on the receiving end, having just accepted another sizeable donation from our bubbie for emergency dental work. Yes, we prefer to fritter away our money on organic groceries and expensive vodka instead of giving ten percent of our paltry income (the traditional Jewish percentage) to charity. We are bad, selfish people.
We’d like to do something to make this nagging, guilty feeling go away. The Talmud describes the different levels of tzedakah, from the least worthy to the most, as:
1. Giving begrudgingly
2. Giving less that you should, but giving it cheerfully.
3. Giving after being asked
4. Giving before being asked
5. Giving when you do not know the recipient’s identity, but the recipient knows your identity
6. Giving when you know the recipient’s identity, but the recipient doesn’t know your identity
7. Giving when neither party knows the other’s identity
8. Enabling the recipient to become self-reliant

Being lazy as well as self-indulgent, we’re going to skip right to #8. Instead of buying anyone Chanukah/other holiday gifts this year (which will save us endless hours trolling through Amazon.com,) we’re going to buy you all items from Heifer International menagerie. Which means you’ll get nothing, really, but someone less fortunate will.
The Little Rock, AR-based non-profit addresses the problem of world hunger not by sending out cans of condensed milk, but by sending the whole damn cow. For 60 years Heifer has provided needy families around the world with a way to feed themselves, create a sustainable income and pass on their good fortune by giving offspring to other poor families. One cow ($500) can produce enough milk for a family and leave enough to sell; now that’s self-reliance. An “ark” composed of fifteen pairs of useful animals ($5000) can bring an entire village out of poverty. If that’s too steep, there’s always rabbits ($60), honeybees ($30) or chickens ($20).
While Heifer’s site calls itself “faith-based,” we haven’t found any evidence that Heifer is some weird missionary sham to get heathens in poor countries to convert to Christianity. They provide non-denominational educational materials to both synagogues and churches and lead tours to places where the program has been a success. And all we have to do to help them is click to our PayPal account.
Who know tikkun olam could be so easy for retards like us?

Thanks to Esther of JDaters Anonymous for alerting us to a frightening trend in Jewish online dating: Mothers masking as their sons and daughters in order to hook them up with someone they deem suitable. Now, J moms have a lovable reputation for being overbearing and invasive (with the best of intentions, natch) but this crosses the line into Dysfunction Junction. Look, Ma, the whole point of online personals is to get you out of our love lives! Although cyber mother-meddling might work for those who need a little nudzh to sign on, if your mom has enough chutzpah to impersonate you online, you should do the same for her– for a therapist’s appointment.