Apologies for our lagging tushes today, but what could we possible report that the big guys aren’t already doing for us? Let’s see, our polling booth was clean and manned by kindly senior citizens, with real felt-tip pens to fill in the oval instead of those suspiciously newfangled ATMs. Now we’re just noshing nervously on Halloween candy waiting for the results and considering drumming up a round of Fark.com’s drinking game to take the edge off. But maybe not; if there’s gonna be a riot tomorrow, we want to be in top form.

Okay, you Rocky Mountain Jews, promise us that you will not vote for Republican Senate candidate Pete Coors! Not just because he’s the (former, ha) chairman of a beer company started by neo-Nazis whose main purchasing base comes from gap-toothed, palette-less morons and 17 year-old boys, a corporation that has polluted the same pristine wilderness that it pays NY ad execs billions to associate with its flat, bland taste, but because he’s exactly the kind of complete ass this country needs less of in its government.
As you might expect from the arrogant son from a wealthy family, Coors believes his white, Christian, male perspective is the only way to rule the minions and therefore feels the need to educate those of moral deficiency. For instance, when asked by a Denver rabbi whether he’s be willing to accept different viewpoints on abortion, Coors proceeded to explain that “the Jewish view that an embryo is not a living being during its first 40 days in the womb” was at odds with his own position.
There is, of couse, no such 40-day waiting period in Jewish tradition. Two days before this, Coors creatively interpreted the Koran, which irked the Colorado Muslim contingency. And yet people believe this guy when he says his company isn’t dumping their nasty sludge into streams and killing fish? The polls show them to be neck in neck, but who would vote for a creep so meglomaniacal and sociopathic when his opponent, state attorney general Ken Salazar, seems like such a stand-up guy?

Between a severe candy hangover, daylight savings f*k-ups and Osama’s latest amateur video, we’re almost ready to start hollering for the End Times along with the strangely mesmerizing Christian site RaptureReady.com. We first learned about the Rapture (the magical moment when Jesus is supposed to come and take all the believers away) on a Girl Scout camping trip when some bratty born-again girls told us we Jews were going to hell with all the homosexuals. We put toothpaste in their Keds.
Anyway, some members of the apocalyptic action team found time in their busy schedule for a “humor break” in the form of Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife:
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) (Cassandra?)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses–Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz–Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites–Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. [Note: this will cost you.] (Adam–Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob–Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David–1 Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) (Cain–Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus–Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a . . . woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” (Samson–Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David–2 Samuel 11)
13) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) (Onana and Boaz–Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon–1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife? . . . NOT. (St Paul–1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

*Super props to Jewlicious for bloggin’ this last week; ck even got out a Bible and looked up the actual quotes-check it out.