The following information ruined what was a very relaxing haircut: Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine is officially dating the talentless publicity-starved skanktart whose name shall never taint this space.

I’m sorry y’all, I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s day, but a girl’s gotta process her angst over losing yet another sexy Jewish man to yet another Christian music shiksa. Mandy Moore may be annoying, this bleached blond adultress person is downright offensive.

Please, try — as I will — to find your inner peace over this as Shabbat descends upon the land.