This month’s issue of Zeek,” that edgy, fascinating “Jewish journal of thought and culture,” features Jay Michaelson’s provocative, somewhat topsy-turvy look at the paradox of spiritual practice, the point of which is to “stop seeking” spiritual fulfillment — presumably because we’ve reached that point of fulfillment. But it ain’t so easy:

Stopping seeking actually takes a great deal of effort, because human beings are genetically and environmentally conditioned to seek all the time. Every moment, most of us are thinking about the future or the past, chasing something pleasant, or trying to avoid something unpleasant. Sometimes we’re just clueless. And once in a blue moon, we’re sameach b’chelko, happy with what we’ve got. But usually, in ways so subtle that they escape attention, we’re seeking something.

This seeking (even if it’s as subtle as say, attempting to relieve boredom by distracting ourselves with blogsurfing) causes suffering, since it takes us away from the moment, from God, from What Is. And so the path to happiness lies in what helps us “not seek” ways to make reality different, or better; maybe for you it’s prayer or meditation or just stopping the neurotic monkey monologue our minds run constantly.

(Like just a little while ago, I was totally absorbed in writing and then this thought that I really need a chocolate croissant kept poking up and no matter how much I ignored this desire it kept disrupting my flow. Now, if I went ahead and purchased this gooey goodie, something would have be satiated, but would it have made me happy in the sense that my ego is diminished in the face of the greater glory of the world? Maybe I’d experience bliss for ten minutes or so while the sugar buzz lasted, but ultimately, no, I’d be the same compulsive nutjob I was before, just chubbier.)

The Zen-nish admonition that we quit trying so hard to find happiness and instead let it meet us in the big quiet space between our thoughts makes more sense to me than making myself insane about kashrut laws and exactly what minute to light the Shabbos candles. Because surely part of these rituals are designed to help us meet God in the deeper pockets of our consciousness, or as he puts it, “what it really is about is the purification of the present moment from desires or fears of other ones. It’s about showing up.”

Of course, as in any spiritual activity, the “not seeking” can become food for the ego, just like with yoga or meditation or observance. But being a spiritual slacker isn’t the way to enlightenment either, since the not seeking takes a sincere effort, too. *Sigh* I guess that’s what makes it a paradox.

So thanks, Jay Michaelson. I’m as confused as ever. Maybe a chocolate croissant will help?

*Jay’s book God In Your Body is available at JewishLights.