Fascinating article by Stacy Palevsky in the current j.weekly about the conflicts within Jewish home about differing levels of observance:
“Much has been written and researched about interfaith couples. Much less is published about couples who are both Jewish. It’s assumed that two Jews equal one Jewish family.”
So just because you finally find your Jewish mate and make your bubbie happy, it doesn’t mean everything will peachy, right? I totally relate – even though we were both raised Reform, El Yenta Man and I have definitely diverge on certain issues: Bacon has crossed my lips in the past , but the guilt is too much so I generally abstain; he’ll mack on bbq, no problem. I’d rather meditate in nature than sit in synagogue; he joined the temple board. I do my best not to spend money or do anything work-related on Shabbat; he avoids doing anything work-related at all times. (Just kidding, babeleh.) But we do our dance and make it work and find the common ground.
Anyhoo, the article peeks into the lives of three couples and comes up with the following lightning bolt:
“Judaism means different things to different people.”
I know that seems like a big “DUH,” but if that idea was actually applied universally – and more importantly, locally(are you listening, Savannah?) to our secular institutions – we might actually maintain a healthy, thriving community instead of quibbling non-stop. (Like many Jewish community centers around the country, apparently ours is failing fast. In order to survive, it probably needs to be open on Saturdays to accomodate the people who’d like to spend their Sabbath on the treadmill or in the pool. If “Jewish” means being shomer Shabbos to you, you’ll spend it within the eruv; why does it matter what others do? The kitchen will still be kosher; the spirit of the place will be Jewish.)
*sigh* Wow, that was a little rant-y. It’s just that it’s nice to read about solutions.
Very appropriate to many homes of faith and to families of faith–tracing our parents approach to Catholicism, to us, then to our kids is a twisty, convoluted business. Plenty of opps for good, old fashioned judgement!
This is why, when I met the current boyfriend, I made sure, every step of the way (and still do) that we’re on a similar page. We’re both becoming more religious, but I think it’s at a similar, comfortable pace. Where that leaves us in the future is yet to be seen, but starting out on the same page is important, me thinks.
Oh yeah. I can relate.
Not to mention the different family styles you get around what’s the point of holidays, which ones you celebrate, which ones you’ve never heard of… ugh.
In my experience, even when spouses are in agreement on how to do their Judaism, there are always changes and differences. I put it down to each individual being different.