The locusts are coming, the locusts are coming!

Swarms of insects “the size of small birds” have descended on Israel, reports the New York Times, causing crops to fail and my stomach to retch. Giant freakin’ grasshoppers. Everywhere.

Since it’s so close to Passover, you’d have to try verrrrrry hard NOT to make references Pharoah’s Plague No. 8, when God sent enough voraciously hungry fliers to “cover the face of the ground so that it cannot be seen” and “devour what little you have left after the hail, including every tree that is growing in your fields.” According to the Book of Exodus, anyway.

But this is the age of the industrial chemical machine, and Israeli Ministry of Agriculture can do what Pharoah could not: Spray the sh*t out of those creepy tings with poison pesticides.

Which is kind of a shame, ’cause some people think they’re good to eat. Israeli chef Moshe Basson says, “they taste something between sunflower seeds and baby shrimps.” A problematic comparison as a person who keeps kosher does not know what “shrimps” taste, no matter how young and tender they are, but locusts are kosher, and people are snacking.

If they head this way, I’ll try out this recipe for Locust Bisque on El Yenta Man.