Paranormal Jew Uri Geller has offered to help an English village rid itself of a 16th century curse inscribed on a lump of polished granite. The village of Carlisle has been plagued by floods, disease and a crumbling economy since the “Cursing Stone” was installed in a local museum in 2001; city officials have been stonewalled (he he he) in their efforts to destroy it. Geller has no fear that the rock that was intended to deter rapists and pillagers by the Archbishop of Glasgow will retain its destructive influences against his superior powers: “I believe the curse can be exorcised. I will use my pendulum and cleanse the stone of any evil forces. After that I would like to keep it in my garden. It is a work of art,” he said.
After that, he can come and expel the possums from under our house, which we’re positive are responsible for our current financial duress. Or, it might be tax season.