In celebration of the Yenta’s 4th anniversary and the successful upgrade of this wonderful blog’s software I present to you the Matzah Cat! (No relation to Matzah Woman) Enjoy.
Matzah Cat!
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Category Archives: HaHaHa Jewish Jokes
Milking A Fad (But Not With Fleishig)
Thank you to the keen eyes of Jewbiquitous for alerting me to the creation of LOLJews, which currently only has three photos. Probably because while Jews are funny, we’re not nearly as hilarious as cats. Or puppies. Or walruses. But hey, we got waaaaay more Nobel Prizes, nu?
If you’re still not hip to the waning LOLcats craze, Aaron Rutkoff Wall Street Journal article is crash course in sassie kittehs.
Don’t Make Him Break Out the Tefillin Nunchucks
Tip o’ the black hat to that killer ninjew Pepe Pringos for this one. Chuck Norris has met his match.
Also pictured with lethal six-pointed stars in t-shirt form from Shalomshirts.com.
Shmatas and Jokes For Yo Mama
I know, like what kind of Oedipal-issues therapy case would wear this one from Jewtee.com? But surely it’s making someone happy.
Personally, any request to stop the complaining is more my speed. At the Yenta house, we like to say “Stop kvetching I don’t speak Whinese.”
And because I spent a lot of time today with the Senior Yentas who happen to share my brand of corny humor, here’s the timeless “If Famous People Had Jewish Mothers” joke:
MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on
braces?”
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still should have written!”
MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Why can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard
it is to get this junk off the ceiling?”
NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Again with the hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?”
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss
your allowance good-bye!”
THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!”
PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man,midnightis long
past your curfew!”
And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“But it’s your senior photo! Couldn’t you have done something
about your hair?”
MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
“That’s a good story! Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last
forty years.”
Now pick up the phone and call the womb from whence you came. Texting her don’t count, homie.
A Joke For Your Seder
You know I love the corny, clean ones that can be told in front of bubbies and babies. From this week’s j., edited just a bit:
A Passover Miracle
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didnt take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that Israel’s defense minister called Bernie into his office, saying, I want to commission your company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldnt take the strain they broke clean off of the fuselage.
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight the wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to ask God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernies sadness and asked him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernies shoulder and told him, Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings wont fall off.
So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly.
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. But rabbi, Bernie asked, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?
Bernie, the rabbi intoned, Im an old man. Ive lived for many, many years and Ive celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once has the matzah broken on the perforation!
The Yenta Will Return Shortly
*Dearest readers, the Yenta has been occupied with the full spectrum of familial issues, which I would regale you with except that it would only come off as extreme kvetching. Please enjoy the following care of Weird Jews while I deal with the difficulties. Call your mother today and thank her for dealing with the tsursis of your own adolescent bima days. Photo courtesy of Bar Mitzvah Disco.
The “Truth in Advertising” Bar Mitzvah Invitation
In keeping up with the Rosens and the Abelsons
It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue,
and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension that
We invite you to join us as our wonderful son Jacob Adamis called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah Saturday, May 12th (yes, we realize it's Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel 14 Coleytown Road Westport, Connecticut 06880 at the ungodly hour of 9 a.m. even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20 a.m. to catch the real action
If you make it through the three-hour service, please skip the kiddush (it's just cookies and cake)
and join us instead for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea)
Dinner at 7 p.m. (not 8 p.m. or you'll miss out on the 2000 canapes)
Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)
You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, fake bling, and white ankle socks as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees
Most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling
Most will also be toasted to the nines
At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence
Some will not even know where or who they are.
Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending.
You will be billed for $65.00 a plate if you are a no-show.
Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.
The gift of choice is either green or contains a routing and account number
"Off the top of your head" gifts and gift cards are a waste of your time and ours
Hope you can make it!
Lisa and David Miller
Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond
BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength
Are You An Anti-Semite?
No, probably not. But Catie Lazarus’ tongue-in-cheek quiz she’s calling the YPASI (You’re Probably An Anti-Semite If…) is a hoot and a holler.
Insanity Is Hereditary, You Get It From Your Children
I always thought my mother came up with that one especially for me during my awkward bat mitzvah years, but I’ve recently discovered it was Jewish humorist Sam Levenson who’s responsible for it and other chuckle-worthy universal truths, including Time-Tested Beauty Tips, which has often been mis-attributed to the late, great Audrey Hepburn. (More classic Levenson one-liners like “If you need a helping hand, you can find one at the end of your arm” can be found here and here.)
Rabbi William Berkowitz has published an interview with Levenson called “The Gift of A Jewish Mother” at Algemeiner.com, a Yiddish culture site containing a treasure trove inspirational and historically-surprising articles. Levenson died in 1980, so the rabbi’s interview is at least a quarter of a century old, but I’m delighted he dusted it off to create this piece, thereby introducing at least one ignoramus to Levenson’s warm wisdom, which I pass on to you.
This quote in particular struck me on this early morning:
My family didnt pursue happiness. Thats a big mistake in America the whole pursuit of happiness. The only people who get happy from the pursuit of happiness are the people who sell tranquilizers. Theyre the ones that have done very well. As for us, we believe in the pursuit of truth, of justice of yosher, of God, of rachmonus, of peace, freedom. Thats what you pursue. There is nothing written in our Jewish teaching about the pursuit of happiness. We pursue great ideals, but happiness is not an ideal. Its only a by-product of an ideal achieved. Its not an ideal unto itself.
As someone who struggles daily with the so-far elusive American dream of a home of one’s own, financially and spiritually fulfilling work as well as a perpetually shiny kitchen floor, I realize in this quiet, predawn moment, anyway the truth that fulfillment can only come when we’re looking for righteous things rather than material ones (though certain pairs of shoes have brought me deep and lasting contentment.) If I could learn in 2007 and even possibly teach my children by example to find happiness in what I have rather than what I don’t, I would make great leaps. It would save a lot of money in therapy, anyway.
Extreme Makeover, God Edition
Glad to see the j. jokes page has kept its dark humor:
Hette had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience, during which she saw God and asked if this was the end for her.
God said no and told her that she had another 30 or 40 years to live.
As soon as she recovered, Hette figured that since she had another 30 or 40 years to live, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. When she got out of the hospital, she even changed the color of her hair.
Some weeks later, as Hette was crossing the street after leaving the hospital, she was knocked over and killed by a car.
When she arrived in front of God, Hette was annoyed. I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years!
God replied, I didnt recognize you.
(Joke © David Minkoff. Photo of plastic surgery-gone-wild poster girl Jocelyne Wildenstein courtesy of PlasticSurgeryHumor.)
Crummy Tashlich Humor
From my friends at the j. jokes page:
On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally, people ask what kind of breadcrumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
For ordinary sins: White bread
For complex sins: Multigrain
For twisted sins: Pretzels
For sins of indecision: Waffles
For sins committed in haste: Matzah
For sins of chutzpah: Fresh bread
For substance abuse: Stoned wheat
For use of heavy drugs: Poppy seed
For committing auto theft: Caraway
For tasteless sins: Rice cakes
For ill-temperedness: Sourdough
For silliness and eccentricity: Nut bread
For not giving full value: Shortbread
For excessive irony: Rye bread
For particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel
For dressing immodestly: Tarts
For causing injury to others: Tortes
For being holier than thou: Bagels
For dropping in without notice: Popovers
For overeating: Stuffing
For raising your voice too often: Challah
For pride and egotism: Puff pastry
For sycophancy: Brownies
For laziness: Any long loaf
For trashing the environment: Dumplings
For telling bad jokes/puns: Corn bread
Now I know I probably should of thrown corn bread and definitely some challah in the Back River, but all I had were a bag of old croissants and tortilla chips for the sin of being culturally confused?