Category Archives: Schmatas, Tsotchkes and Chozzerai

T-Shirts of the Week plus any other Jewishy item that strikes the Yenta’s fancy.

Bima Bling

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tallit clipsWe’ve already established that jeweler Susan Fischer Weis’ chag-inspired Yontifications are fantabulous, but her latest creations, specially-designed tallit clips for the ladies? Brilliant, completely off the hook, yo. What better way to inspire more observance in a new bat mitzvah that a bit of bling to wear to shul?

Sure, it’s a lovely piece of jewelry, but it’s so much more. Since wearing a tallis is an act of courage in itself for a woman, adding a little sparkle is downright revolutionary. Not as gender-enlightening as say, hot-gluing sequins to your grandpa’s tefillin boxes, but getting there.

I love seeing a woman in a tallis; it establishes her as a strong, committed person right off the bat. I don’t wear one. But maybe I will now that I can match it with my earrings…

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spursofdavid I’ve always had an affinity for the Jewish Wild West and bein’ a Jewish cowgirl myself, this bad hoss dud from Shalomshirts.com could be one of my favorite shmatas of the entire collected kit and caboodle. It certainly would look mighty fine on Yenta favorite Jewish cowgirl Mare Winningham, yes siree…

If you’re wonderin’ where I’m getting this silly Western lingo, this here innernets is way faster than any Pony Express. Giddiyap!

Shmatas and Jokes For Yo Mama

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shirtI know, like what kind of Oedipal-issues therapy case would wear this one from Jewtee.com? But surely it’s making someone happy.

stopkvetchin Personally, any request to stop the complaining is more my speed. At the Yenta house, we like to say “Stop kvetching — I don’t speak Whinese.”

And because I spent a lot of time today with the Senior Yentas who happen to share my brand of corny humor, here’s the timeless “If Famous People Had Jewish Mothers” joke:

MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on
braces?”

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still should have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Why can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard
it is to get this junk off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Again with the hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss
your allowance good-bye!”

THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!”

PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man,midnightis long
past your curfew!”

And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“But it’s your senior photo! Couldn’t you have done something
about your hair?”

MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
“That’s a good story! Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last
forty years.”

Now pick up the phone and call the womb from whence you came. Texting her don’t count, homie.

Early Mother’s Day Gift

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yentaLook what I got in my mailbox! Only other mothers can truly appreciate the blood, sweat, guilt, meal planning and patience of motherhood — and that’s why this unexpected prezzie from Modern Jewish Mom Meredith L. Jacobs is such a treasure. Not only does it tell the world exactly who I am, it’s one of those super-flattering cuts that makes my shoulders look buff. Dahlink, I’ll wear it ’til it’s threadbare and the “y” peels off. Plus, she sent me a “yenta” mug; what better vessel to get jacked up on green tea while I blog?

These items, along with more adorable swag, are available for the Jewish mamas in your life — as well as Meredith’s funny and practical book The Modern Jewish Mom’s Guide to Shabbat. (Read my glowing review here.) There’s still time to ship for Mother’s Day — but you’d better gib zich a shukl!

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tshirtC’mon, you know your fingers are always twitching with the urge to play “Stairway to Heaven” (which may or may not have Jewish origins) on air guitar. Maybe you’ll never be Joey Ramone (may he rest in peace) but you can still be a Rock Star of David by donning this goodie from thatsjewtastic.com.

Bandana, roadies and groupies not included, but how’ bout a set of snazzy wristbands to catch all the shvitz you make while rockin’ out?

T-Shirt of the Week � The Perfect Word

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yidshirt

If it’s your divine aspiration to be a walking Yiddish dictionary, look no further than this schmata from WayCoolTshirts.com.

If you’re ever at lunch with a bunch of yentas who think it’s just hilarious to frusturate the younger yentas by whispering in the mamaloshen and then cackling like a murder of bedazzled crows, here’s a crib sheet to wear on your chest. (Hear that Beezy? I’m ready for you today, lady. But knowing you and the other JEA Senior Lunch Bunch girls, you’ll switch to Pig Latin just to throw me for a loop.)

Upon further inspection, some of these spellings don’t jive with the definitive holy text Leo Rosten’s Joys of Yiddish (it’ll always be zaftig, no mattter how svelte I become with the rollerblading, dahlinks) but that’s the nature of phonetic language, nu?

On The Doorpost Of Your Condo, Cave, Whateva

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mezuzah vinemezOy, have you heard about the Florida condo association that tried to slap a Jewish resident with a fat fine for putting up a mezuzah? 28 year-old Laurie Richter knew better than to be intimidated by the building manager and cooly pointed out in a letter to the board that there were Christmas wreaths up until February in the building, so it obviously wasn’t an aesthetic issue.

“Clearly, the Rules and Regulations of the Port Condominium could not have intended to interfere with people practicing their religion,” she wrote in a letter to the association.

Richter won her right to affix the prayers to the doorposts of her house, and on her gates if she wishes, but not before the attorney general, a state representative and the ADL got involved. All the fuss embarrassed the bejeebus out of the condo association, who sniffly put out a press release that all Richter had to do was ask permission. Puh-leez! It’s not like a mezuzah is just some decoration like a freakin’ lawn gnome or one of those tacky nylon flags people put out to show support for their favorite team — and any homeowner’s association should know the difference. And this is Florida for criminey’s sakes — you can’t swing a cat without making a Jewish person sneeze. No excuse for such ignorance, unless, of course it’s more insidious.

In any case, such nonsense won’t happen again, as State Rep Julio Robaina of Miami has sponsored a bill that includes a provision to ensure residents can post a mezuzah. The language states: “No association may prohibit the attachment of religious items at the door or at the entrance of a unit. The board may adopt reasonable size restrictions for such items.” So no three-foot neon jobbies, ‘k?

Speaking of mezuzot, as you know, I’m shopping. I’ll probably buy locally from one of the synagogue gift shops, but I’m digging these two gorgeous items from the Mezuzahstore.com and Artazia.com. I’ve always figured we were covered with on the front door and one on the back, but maybe one for each of the bedroom doors will help us all sleep better, nu?

I’ve been brushing up on mezuzah protocol and the official prayer, but as usual, the new Yenta front door presents a problem: There is a glass door that opens outward and another that open into the interior. So do I affix the mezuzah on the outside of the first door, which would put it actually on the house instead of on the door frame, or do I put it between the two? Any help would be appreciated.

Apples to Apples, J-Style

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applesThis time of year when someone says “apples,” we start thinking about chopping up piles of ’em with walnuts and cinnamon for a little charoset action, right? (Eeeps, that’s very Ashkenazi-centric of me. Lots of recipes for the Passover seder’s symbolic mortar don’t include apples, such as these delectable-sounding Moroccan Charoset Balls, but I’m going somewhere with this. Forgive me, Sephardic friends.)

So anyway, for us Jews of Eastern European descent, it’s apples, apples everywhere (and plenty of wine to drink), but you can really spice up any Pesach afterparty (if anyone’s still awake) with a few more: Out of the Box has just released Apples to Apples: The Jewish Edition, a superfun family board game that even the drunkest uncle can figure out.

The rules are as simple as the original Apples to Apples game, where players make comparisons using one set of cards with descriptive words like “brilliant” or “inspiring,” and one set of cards with people or things. Only in the J-version, the cards hold references to “My Rabbi,” “Gefilte Fish,” and yes, even “Paula Abdul.” Someone gets to judge which thing or person best fits the adjective on the table, mixing up subjectivity, hilarity and Jewish trivia all at once. Good times. And it’s shomer Shabbos, too, since there’s no writing or creating involved. A much nicer reward for finding the afikomen that the same ol’, tired five-dollar bill, nu?

This Jewish version of Apples to Apples (and you will never, ever refer to it as “Japples to Japples,” understand?) sprung from the fertile mind of Cleveland Jewish mama Alice Langholt, who compiled the game in the oodles of spare time she has in between raising four (four!) children, working at her synagogue’s religious school full-time, writing a midrashic novel, and publishing greeting cards. Oh, and baking her own challah every Friday. She developed the game after the kids were asleep, in the hours when her husband should have been rubbing her feet while she watched Grey’s Anatomy. Obviously, Alice is trying to make the rest of us slacker Jewish mothers look bad.

Since even the smartest kids under 12 probably can’t keep up with the Bette Midler and Woody Allen references, Alice is currently at work on a junior version of the game, which will surely become a staple in Sunday schools everywhere. After that, hopefully Alice will reveal where she’s hiding those six or seven extra hours a day the rest of us don’t know about.

There’s still time to buy Apples to Apples – The Jewish Edition in time for your seder — Look, it’s even on sale!

T-Shirt of the Week: Make It Easy To Be Green

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proudFor most of you, St. Patrick’s Day makes nary a blip on your holiday radar, being something about erin go braugh (kind of like Ireland’s Hatikvah), a Catholic saint and disturbing little green guys who hide gold at the end of rainbows. Only Christmas is less Jewish, really. (Unless you’re Laurel Snyder, author of the blog Jewishy Irishy and editor of Half/Life, a book of “Jewish tales from interfaith homes,” then maybe you’ve got a shamrock next to your mezzuzah and have a fabulous corned beef cabbage matzo ball soup recipe, which is totally cool.)

Here in Savannah, it is a faux pas of the highest order to dismiss St. Patrick’s Day. People are understanding, apologetic even, if you tell them you don’t do Easter, but if you refuse to honor the guy who reportedly banished snakes from Ireland and imbibe copious amounts of green beer with them, you will be blacklisted and have to seek work in South Carolina. This is a town with a strong and proud Irish history, where taxpayers’ money is used to dye the fountains green and host the second biggest St. Paddy’s Day parade in the U.S., and everyone celebrates their Irish roots this time of year, non-existent may they be. If say, you haven’t worn oodles of Mr. T-style ropes of green beads or a flashing four-leaf clover brooch all this week, or, if heaven forbid, someone asks you if you’re going downtown on Saturday and you answer “why would I want to mingle with a half million sweaty freaks with Guinness seeping out their pores?” you’re branded a big ol’ partypooper. And people will actually pinch you, as if this is third grade.

So I’ve got to get my blarney on, so to speak, and this t-shirt from Jewtee assauges my temporary cultural identity crisis.

Of course, the best Jewish St. Patty’s Day shirt will forever be from Jewish Fashion Conspiracy, which sadly, is no more.