So, listen up, kidlets, here’s my Purim shpiel:

Once upon a time in a borough called Shushan, there was this pervy king named Ahasuerus who wanted his queen, Vashti, to dance naked for him and all his gross friends. Vashti did right by her momma, and was all, “I don’t think so — I was not raised on the pole, thank you” so King Ass “deposed” her. Maybe that means he killed her, maybe he sent her back to her mom, we don’t know. But we do know that he went looking for a new queen, and found a lady so pretty he didn’t even care that she was from the other side of the camel’s tracks.

This lady, Esther, was a nice Jewish girl and didn’t just have smokin’ looks, she had smarts, too. She got her uncle Mordecai are good job at the palace after he foiled an attempt to kill the king, but Mordecai pissed off one of the kingdom’s most important advisors, a very bad man named Haman who had silly taste in hatwear. Haman decided to punish Mordecai by devising a plan to wipe all the Jews off the map of Persia, which totally freaked everyone out — except Esther. She stayed calm and informed her husband that if he listened to this douchebag, she’d have to hang at the gallows, too. The king rightly deduced that evil politicians are far easier to replace than wives who will put up with his bullsh*t, so he ordered Haman to be hanged in the very noose meant for Mordecai.

And then all the Jews lived happily ever after, or until the next pogrom. (What, you’re looking for something a little more educational? Then go here. Or here. But not here.)

Now we party. ‘Cause even though this megillah isn’t in the Torah and doesn’t mention any Divine influences, we are obligated by the rabbis as good (I mean, bad, BAD!) Jews to “drink until we do not know the difference between ‘cursed be Haman’ and ‘blessed be Mordechai.'” There you have it — a Talmudic edict to get sh*tfaced. (I know my friend Uber Shiksa Chick is gonna go hogwild on this.)

Anyone who’s witnessed El Yenta Man and I dressed as Queen Vashti and Bad Haman (respectively) handing a flask back and forth over the synagogue pews know that the Yenta household takes Purim very seriously. The Wild Turkey has already been poured to bring to Sunday morning services, but I assure the parents of my Shalom Schoolers that I will not be breaking it out until I safely return your children to you. After that, I take no responsibility for my actions and may have to be peeled off the bima while performing a blistering rap that combines the lyrics of Lady Gaga and “Shalom Aleichem.”

Other Purim traditions involve delivering mishloach manot (bags of treats similar to Easter baskets except Jews hate pastels) and performing practical jokes. Do you think egging my in-laws’ house could count as both?

Oh, and you know I can’t let a Purim pass without reposting Shabot6000‘s perfectly brilliant Purim parody:

Hope y’all had an easy fast – s’sorry I’ve been MIA, but El Yenta Man and I celebrated our 10th anniversary of marriage by NOT putting up a sukkah and jetting off to Puerto Rico.

Don’t ask where my tan is – it rained the whole time. But we had some close encounters of the Jewish kind, which I promise to fill you in on after I’ve caught up at work and uploaded photos.

In the meantime, please entertain yourself with the perverse knowledge that someone has come up with even worse headgear than the Croc Kippah: The Sarah Palin Sheitl.

(Tip o’ the doily to Adam at the JEA.)

WTF ya gonna do with all that leftover matzah once Passover is over? Yenta favorites Michelle Citrin and Shabot6000 have some fabulous suggestions:

Brandon Walker seems like a cute little mensch and all with his “Chinese Food on Christmas” but Yidcore’s “Punk Rock Chanukah” is much more the Yenta’s speed.

And you thought the worst thing that could happen to you at High Holy Days services was getting drooled on by the guy dozing next to you during the rabbi’s sermon:

Three people were injured last week on Erev Rosh Hashanah at Temple Emanu-El in Dallas, TX when 81 year-old retired law enforcement agent Marvin Marks stood up — as we Jews are wont to do so many times while worshipping — and dropped his gun. A single bullet discharged and hit Marks’ 42-year-old daughter in the foot; two others had minor scrapes from the same bullet. Everyone lived, and because nothing can deter a man on a bima, the rabbi finished his sermon. Though the temple did feel the need to reiterate their “no firearms in shul” policy for Yom Kippur.

Poor Mr. Marks, who has been a member of Temple Emanu-El for 50 years, sent out an apology letter to the entire congregation and offered up this explanation:

I spent my career in law enforcement and began to carry a concealed weapon after I was placed in a threatening position by an individual I had previously arrested. Though I carry this weapon with me at all times I always leave it in my car when I go into places, such as the Temple, where guns are prohibited. On Wednesday evening I forgot to leave it in my car. I know that is a poor excuse for bringing it into Temple with me, but that is the truth. When I stood during the service the gun slipped and fell. Though the safety latch was on, the gun fired. I have spoken with other law enforcement officials and this is a rare occurrence with this type of pistol. I am so sorry that two congregants were hit by fragments. I feel awful that my daughter was injured.

He also expressed remorse that another congregant of the same name may have mistakenly been blamed for the accident. (You know how the yentas like to gossip without checking their facts!) Guess he’s got a little extra t’shuvah to do Saturday, eh?

Only in Texas, people. Wonder if Kinky Friedman will write a song about it now that he’s not busy running for office anymore. How does “I Brought My Smith & Wesson to Temple And All I Got Was Tsuris” sound?

Props to Rebbetzin (oops, apparently she doesn’t like the appellation) Arlene Belzer for the tip, who also sent along the following rabbinical response from Temple Emanu-El. Thank God those Texan Jews have a sense of humor:

Welcome to Dallas!

“We don’t say “Shanah Tovah” or “Good Shabbas”; we say “Don’t shoot!”

“Our Temple doesn’t offer early evening or late eveningHigh Holy Day services. We have armed services and unarmed services.”

“We’re the only temple where the National Rifle Association holds meetings.”

“Adult education courses include handgun licensing.”

“In the gift shop you can buy: A combination talit / bulletproof vest, an “I Survived the High Holy Holidays” t-shirt and combination gift packs with Hanukkah candles and
hollow point ammunition.”

“We don’t throw candy at bar mitzvahs. We shoot at the ceiling.”

“Instead of a canned food drive, we have a live turkey shoot.”

“The Torah is escorted to the bima by Dallas SWAT.”

And the Yenta’s favorites, future fundraising slogans for Temple Emanu-El Dallas:

“Our services will blow you away!”
“More bang for your dues buck.”
“Our congregation can kick your congregation’s ass.”
“Do you feel lucky, schmuck?”

*T-Shirt available at Pongo.