If you need a healthy giggle this morning, you must read My Urban Kvetch’s phone transcript of Madonna’s rejection of Britney’s Cheeto-absorbing fetus as possible godchild material. It’s fictional, but it rings oh-so-true.
Britney: “Sigh. I guess I understand. But please promise that you’ll still teach my kid to gyrate to Adon Olam like a brazen hussy, even if it’s a boy.”
Maybe Madonna’s not up for the job of Britney’s or anyone else’s Jewish Fairy Godmother, but we found one who is: YourJewishFairyGodmother.com offers life coaching services, marketing skills and chicken soup recipes on her site, and though she doesn’t mention managing bad press, we’re sure both Britney and the Kabbalah Center could benefit from a wave of her wand.

We packed a couple of Chinese martial arts movies into the last week and as much as we enjoyed Kung Fu Hustle and House of Flying Daggers, we kept thinking What the world needs is more Jews who can somesault through treetops, toss bad guys aside with a fingertip and brandish swords with authority. We dug The Hebrew Hammer and all, but we want some real action.
Our search for kung fu Jews to star in our imaginary production led us to Abir Warrior Arts, a Jerusalem-based school that teaches a form of combative art that supposedly originated with the ancient Israelites but was lost as our ancestors dispersed around the globe.
“Much of the bulk of what was left intact was kept alive by a group of nomadic Jews who roamed the Hejaz desert. Twelve Tribes dance steps and the form and shapes of the Hebrew letters contained deadly martial applications forgotten by virtually the rest of the world’s Jewry.”
Interesting that the aleph bet contains not only the secrets of kabbalah, but also directions for slaying the enemy. With basic bar mitzvah knowledge and some rigorous training from Grandmaster Yehoshua Sofer, we could pull out a killer nun-gimel-hay-shin, aka The Deadly Dreidel. (Fine, we just made that up. But good kung fu movie material, nu?)

No, this isn’t your androgynous baby cousin’s senior photo. It’s King Tutankhamun, fresh from his makeover by French, American and Egyptian teams who used lots of expensive product to make his 3300 year-old punim look nineteen again. Actually, it’s a model created from 1,700 or so high-resolution photos from CT scans of his mummy to reveal what he looked like the day he died, which, you gotta admit, looks a whole lot like the gold mask found in his tomb.
While he’s a cute kid and all, the CT scans have revealed much more about the death of the Boy Pharoah: it seems he didn’t die of a head wound as previously postulated, but he did suffer a nasty break to his leg just days before his demise that may have caused a deadly infection. How he sustained the injury is the hott subject of certain necro conspiracy theorists who say he fell from a horse or chariot, citing the Talmud as their source.
That’s right, the Jewish Talmud.
Furthermore, they say this links (however thinly) King Tut as the Pharoah from The Book of Exodus (y’know, that pharoah—Moses, plagues, Yul Brenner) which has got to be the craziest solipsistic fantasy we’ve ever heard. But these guys are professors, so let them theorize away while we learn how to Photoshop some hair on this kid.

If you think your apartment is small, check out the 3-D models of these zemlyankas used by Jewish resistance fighters during WWII. A full third of one of these underground shelters was used for storing a winter’s worth of potatoes, narrates Larry King (who is anything but a common tater…ooh, such a bad joke) as part of the Jewish Partisan Educational Foundation‘s revamped site dedicated to those Jews who fought back against the Nazis.
Contrary to popular notion, not all Jews went quietly to their death during World War II. More than 30,000 Jewish partisans (or resistance fighters) escaped from ghettos and work camps and fought against the Nazis, blowing up trains and bridges and saving thousands of Jews from certain death. Many partisans were teenagers and female.
We dig JPEF’s work to temper the victimization of Jews in history with stories of tough, ass-kickin’ girls and boys. The organization is currently developing a curriculum (Teachers! Download here!) to teach secular and Jewish 7th-12th graders more with their super-savvy interactive materials (seriously, this site is so very cool.)

It seems that Britney Spears’ spawn will not have a Jewish Fairy Godmother in Madonna, according to UK-Flava.com. Kabbalah’s pop princess reportedly asked the reigning queen to be her unborn baby’s spiritual guardian, but Madge refused. Perhaps Madonna is trying to distance herself from Britney, whose positive pregnancy test is being auctioned off for charity, just another skanky detail in the life of a very famous, very dumb girl.
Hello, Brit, honey? When you throw something out in a hotel bathroom, there are sick stalkers who make a living selling your garbage. Try to remember this for the bris or your kid’s foreskin will show up on eBay.

For those of you who would still dis’ and dismiss the connection between Jews and Rastafarians, a documentary by Jewish filmmaker Monica Haim is making the rounds at indie film festivals (some Jewish, some not) around the country. ‘Awake Zion” began as a formal study of the confluence of Hebraic and Rasta symbols, practices and beliefs, but the result turned out a little more irie than all that.
Says J. Weekly: “Opting for gentle irreverence rather than scholarly rigor, Awake Zion has a funky, homemade vibe. But the one-hour documentary turns out to be surprisingly ambitious, as the reggae-mad Haim shleps from Manhattan to Kingston to Tel Aviv. And in its determination to narrow the distance between blacks and Jews, the film has a social conscience that lifts it beyond the bounds of the typical music doc.”
With all the Jewish reggae links out there, why question your rasta roots? Come groove, mon.
“Awake Zion” screens at 5 p.m. Sunday, May 15, in the fourth annual DocFest, the San Francisco Documentary Film Festival.

ArabicNews.com reports that the peaceful coexistence of Arabs and Jews in Morocco proves that it can be done. The head of the Israelite Communities Council in Morocco, Serge Berdugo, believes that the Moroccan experience in “religion coexistence [sic] is an example that denies any supposed irremediable hostility.” That is a happy thought.
Perhaps further proof is the Feast of Mimouna. To celebrate the conclusion of Passover, Moroccan Jews set a beautiful table to welcome back the chametz, often inviting their Muslim neighbors, who in turn bring more food. (Mmm, those Sephardim really know how to party. We just ordered pizza.)
While Mimouna originated in Morocco, it has found a new incarnation in Israel as a day-after Pesach picnic. Our post-Passover pizza did seem rather uninspiring; next year we’ll take up with our Moroccan brothers and sisters.

Sorry for the slow posting this week—we’re dealing with a gnarly case of poison oak that has affected our ability to sit in a chair for any length of time. Oh how we love frolicking in nature— until it bites us on the ass! While living out in the boonies affords our adventurous spirit a proximity to wide open spaces, sometimes we envy those of you who can buy a decent challah on Friday afternoons or not have to constantly make excuses why we don’t drive anywhere on Saturdays. Being Jewish in the Big City is easy—you’ve got your deli, your shul and lots of Jewishy neighbors to keep it real. But those of us on the fringe have to work extra hard to make a Jewish life. Sometimes it feels like we’re out here all alone with our itchy tushy and Sabbath candles. Thank heaven for Internet Judaica!
Anyway, we were inspired by how this family in Iowa keeps the faith from JTA.
Any Jmericans care to post your small-town stories?
Beyond our itchy-scratchy tsuris, we wish you a delightful Shabbat.

Sarah Silverman screened her potty-mouth feature film Jesus Is Magic at Austin, Texas’ South By Southwest Festival in March and now the trailer is making the rounds (you may want to turn your sound a bit—trust us.)
We’re so proud to claim the most offensive woman in comedy today as one of our own; anyone who can riff on Jewish mothers and the waxing habits of strippers in the same sentence deserves props.
c/o Weird Jews.

Tomorrow marks Yom HaShoah, Holocaust Remembrance Day, and deep down in our silly, superficial souls we understand that we must never forget the six million brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, daughters and sons lost not so very long ago. Though some survived to tell the horrid tale, the number of first-hand witnesses to what happens when facism and racism meet global apathy is diminishing each year, leaving it to next generation to keep talking. So hats off to super-mensch Zack Braff and Academy-award winning director Lauren Lazin, who have created a documentary based on the diaries of Holocaust-era youth featuring a host of (mostly non-Jewish) celebrities and a musical score by Moby called I’m Still Here, airing tonight at 8pm on MTV.
Wha’? MTV? An unlikely medium, yes, but is there one better to reach a largely non-Jewish, apathetic audience? If putting low-slung jeans and natty sideburns on the Holocaust is what it takes, so be it.
A full curtsey to Esther (wearing her Jewlicious hat) for this one.