Attention all Target shoppers: You need not worry any longer about being harassed by a bell-ringing, red-suited Salvation Army representative in front of the store this holiday season (at least in Denver) since the beggars have been banned from their tradition of soliciting your spare change. For those of you who still need to avoid the guilt-tripping red kettle, don’t make eye contact and keep moving. You can pass on your pennies to one of the many Jewish charities in need of your tzedakah this Chanukah.
c/o Fark.

Our Madge seems to be taking her role as Jewish baleboosta quite seriously. She’s been urging her Kaballah sista Demi Moore to marry baby beau Ashton Kutcher and “wants to be involved with every aspect of planning the wedding.”
Now, what would a “traditional” Kabbalah wedding planned by Madonna look like? Will Rabbi Berg lip sync the 72 names of God? Will the groomsmen levitate instead carrying the bride and groom around on chairs? Will Demi wear the dress from the “Like A Virgin” video and throw a red bendel bouquet?

Some poor guy in L.A. with the misfortune of sharing the same name as *hott* Jewish Maroon 5 rocker Adam Levine has started a web site to diffuse the frusturation of getting pornographic phone calls from teenage girls in the middle of the night. Dude, uh, what’s the problem? Enjoy your fifteen minutes, however misplaced.
c/o Jewsweek Jewriffic Awards.

Just in case someone on your e-mail train forgot to send it to you. Be sure to remember it, since it’s sure to be included on one of those “No Child Left Behind” standardized tests.

As London gets set to welcome the gay and Jewish Nathan Lane for its premiere of The Producers (having hastily replaced Richard Dreyfuss), journalist Toby Young recalls interviewing the pot-bellied superstar for Vanity Fair in his own one-man show, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. Young did a fantastic job alienating Lane, and when Lane left the room after Young’s bombing queries, Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter chewed him a new one:
“What were you thinking? You can’t ask celebrities whether they’re Jewish or gay. In future, just assume they’re all Jewish and all gay, OK?”

J. reports that a 24/7 cable network dedicated to Jewish programming is in the works out of New Jersey.

Whether his brain is the consistency of mushed veggies or this coma thing is just an excuse to receive sponge baths from French nurses, the PLO leader is hanging tight. However, his final resting place is already up for debate. He wants to be buried in Jerusalem? Not likely.
“Jerusalem is a city where Jews bury their kings. It’s not a city where we want to bury an Arab terrorist, a mass murderer,” Israeli Justice Minister Yosef Lapid said.
Perhaps we could interest him in a nice crematory service on a public bus?

Boston area Jmericans may want to peel open their eyes on Saturday for Temple Beth Abraham’s “Starbucks Shabbat,” a casual prayer experience designed “to support adults who might feel intimidated about attending Shabbat services because they feel unfamiliar with the liturgy and ritual. Starbucks Shabbat also supports those who find it difficult to get up and out on Shabbat morning without an ample supply of freshly brewed coffee!”
Certainly, synagogues need all the creativity they can muster to get us “casual Jews” out of bed for weekly services, but the association of Shabbat with corporate branding gives us a the kind of nausea we get when we suck down a latte on an empty stomach. No, Virginia, nothing is sacred.
*sigh*. Good Shabbos, caffieneheads.

A shout out to Sam Shmikler, who sent along this little item labeled “Why I’m Glad Judaism Forbids Proselytism:” A Taiwanese man who was attacked after he jumped into the lion’s den at the Taipai zoo was reportedly trying to convert the lions to Christianity. He was clawed and bitten when his pleas of “Jesus will save you” and “Come bite me” drove a non-believing male lion into violence; we’ve had the same reaction when the Witnesses show up at our house during dinnertime. Zoo workers were able to drive off the lion with water hoses and tranquilizer guns, which doesn’t seem quite fair, does it?
Maybe the guy’s brain was scrambled from too much Bible banging: Christians were thrown to the lions as a punishment and to entertain the Romans, but it was Daniel, a nice Jewish boy, who received God’s grace to tame them in their den.

While we’re on the subject of converts this morning, actor and former Democrat Ron Silver (most recently seen in the failed FOX TV drama “Skin”) claims his switch over to the winning team has come at a “high professional cost” in Hollywood, where Republicans are almost as popular as madam Heidi Fleiss after she started naming clients. Silver can’t be sure whether his recent unemployment is due to his outspoken support of the President or simply because Hollywood is already overrun with aging Jewish character actors.