JTA provides us with a breakdown of who’s J on Capitol Hill. All in all, we’re represented by 11 in the Senate and 26 in the House, a better ratio than the general population. Nice.

*sigh*. Four more years. We don’t know anybody who actually voted for him out here on the Western front (or would admit to it, anyway), but we won’t cry “fraud” or “conspiracy” (but plenty of others will!) because this is the way our great, free country works. We suppose we should get behind W, but we just know we’re going to get sh*t on eventually.
Update: The good people of Colorado voted in Ken Salazar for Senate over the
stupid but very rich Pete Coors, so our faith in the American people hasn’t been fully destroyed.

New York Daily News reports that Mel Gibson hasn’t had enough of interpreting history and incurring the disdain of the Jewish people. After portraying the Jews as passive Christ killers in that movie of his, he’s now very close to sealing a deal which will allow him to begin production on a film based on My Glorious Brothers, Howard Fast‘s 1948 historical novel about the Maccabees. The story of the mighty Maccabees and how they defended Judaism took place a couple thousand years BCE, but we’re sure he’ll figure out a way to blame them for Jesus anyway.
Fast’s widow is none too keen about Mr. Freako Catholic making a movie about her late husband’s book, but perhaps Anti-Defamation League director Abe Foxman says it best:
“The way [Gibson] treats history … is not the way I would like the world to learn about the heroism of the Maccabees … So, thanks but no thanks.”
Yeah, dude, go make a movie about a saint or something and leave the Hanukkah story to the Weinsteins.

Apologies for our lagging tushes today, but what could we possible report that the big guys aren’t already doing for us? Let’s see, our polling booth was clean and manned by kindly senior citizens, with real felt-tip pens to fill in the oval instead of those suspiciously newfangled ATMs. Now we’re just noshing nervously on Halloween candy waiting for the results and considering drumming up a round of Fark.com’s drinking game to take the edge off. But maybe not; if there’s gonna be a riot tomorrow, we want to be in top form.

An army of rhesus monkeys has attacked 300 children in three weeks at a famous Hindu temple in India. No one can explain why the formerly peaceful creatures dwelling at the shrine have become evil bloodsucking varmints, but we suspect it may have something to do with union wages for their laboratory brethren.

Sam Lender, the enterprising young lad from Poland who got the idea to freeze bagels and therefore revolutionized the American breakfast, expired from heart disease at his home in Boca Raton on October 17. We’re not huge fans of Lender’s, preferring our bagels fresh and without that weird crumbly thing that commercial bagels have, but you’ve got to respect the man (and his brothers) for bringing a Jewish food into the American mainstream– even if the goyim still don’t know what a bagel’s actually supposed to taste like.

Between a severe candy hangover, daylight savings f*k-ups and Osama’s latest amateur video, we’re almost ready to start hollering for the End Times along with the strangely mesmerizing Christian site RaptureReady.com. We first learned about the Rapture (the magical moment when Jesus is supposed to come and take all the believers away) on a Girl Scout camping trip when some bratty born-again girls told us we Jews were going to hell with all the homosexuals. We put toothpaste in their Keds.
Anyway, some members of the apocalyptic action team found time in their busy schedule for a “humor break” in the form of Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife:
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) (Cassandra?)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses–Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz–Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites–Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. [Note: this will cost you.] (Adam–Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob–Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David–1 Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) (Cain–Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus–Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a . . . woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” (Samson–Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David–2 Samuel 11)
13) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) (Onana and Boaz–Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon–1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife? . . . NOT. (St Paul–1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

*Super props to Jewlicious for bloggin’ this last week; ck even got out a Bible and looked up the actual quotes-check it out.

Okay, you Rocky Mountain Jews, promise us that you will not vote for Republican Senate candidate Pete Coors! Not just because he’s the (former, ha) chairman of a beer company started by neo-Nazis whose main purchasing base comes from gap-toothed, palette-less morons and 17 year-old boys, a corporation that has polluted the same pristine wilderness that it pays NY ad execs billions to associate with its flat, bland taste, but because he’s exactly the kind of complete ass this country needs less of in its government.
As you might expect from the arrogant son from a wealthy family, Coors believes his white, Christian, male perspective is the only way to rule the minions and therefore feels the need to educate those of moral deficiency. For instance, when asked by a Denver rabbi whether he’s be willing to accept different viewpoints on abortion, Coors proceeded to explain that “the Jewish view that an embryo is not a living being during its first 40 days in the womb” was at odds with his own position.
There is, of couse, no such 40-day waiting period in Jewish tradition. Two days before this, Coors creatively interpreted the Koran, which irked the Colorado Muslim contingency. And yet people believe this guy when he says his company isn’t dumping their nasty sludge into streams and killing fish? The polls show them to be neck in neck, but who would vote for a creep so meglomaniacal and sociopathic when his opponent, state attorney general Ken Salazar, seems like such a stand-up guy?

Our favorite rabbi takes on sexual harassment at work in this week’s Jewsweek column:
“Never in history have women been so sexually exploited as they are today. College girls expose their breasts in exchange for a t-shirt on the Girls Gone Wild videos. MTV has transformed the women’s music industry away from an emphasis on vocals and onto to an emphasis of on cleavage. Posters of Victoria’s Secret models, dressed in thongs and the most revealing lingerie, line our mains thoroughfares, billboards, and buses. Are men really expected to shut all this off the moment they stand in front of a copy machine? Can we really expect a pure office environment to emerge from a degenerate culture?”
We haven’t been subjected to a proper office environment in many years and are in more danger of suffocating on our own b.o. than getting our asses grabbed at work, so frankly, a little sexual harassment might spice up our day. We’re all degenerates here, so we ask you, dear derelict, sex-obsessed readers: is it too much to expect men to behave like menschs, even if the chick in the next cubicle wears thigh-highs?
Rabbi Shmuley is just warming up on this subject: Jewish News of Greater Phoenix reports that his next book will be called “Hating Women: The New Racism and the Scandal of Feminist Indifference.”

We’ve already busted ourselves as bad Jews ’cause we love Halloween. Even now that we’ve found out why we shouldn’t schnorr free candy from the neighbors with all the other boys and girls, we still can’t accept that we’re only allowed to don our princess-whore costume on Purim. Yeah, we like to do Purim right, too (last year we made 500 hamantaschen in a domestic fit fueled by too much allergy medication) but that’s a whole six months away! Plus, we truly appreciate the art of the jack o’ lantern (even the gross ones like this), and we’re sure as hell not going to attempt carving a fig.
Here’s a tip to make Halloween a little more kosher: did ya know you can use leftover pumpkin for latkes?