Knitting may be the new hip hobby, but the National Council of Jewish Women’s KnitWits have been courageously clicking their needles for charity for years by making scarves, sweaters and other cozies for hospital patients all over New York. Nothing’s too morbid for these ladies- they even knit hats and booties for stillbirth babies so their parents don’t have to see them in a hospital gown. If you yearn to yarn for others, the KnitWits are happy to teach you to purl, too.

Thanks to Esther of JDaters Anonymous for alerting us to a frightening trend in Jewish online dating: Mothers masking as their sons and daughters in order to hook them up with someone they deem suitable. Now, J moms have a lovable reputation for being overbearing and invasive (with the best of intentions, natch) but this crosses the line into Dysfunction Junction. Look, Ma, the whole point of online personals is to get you out of our love lives! Although cyber mother-meddling might work for those who need a little nudzh to sign on, if your mom has enough chutzpah to impersonate you online, you should do the same for her– for a therapist’s appointment.

We have to admit our attempts at tzedakah (“charity”) are way lame. We rarely write out checks to charitable organizations (and then only for the free tote bag,) barely cover our synagogue dues and occasionally pass a fiver to the woman and her kid standing by the freeway. When it comes to helping the poor, we’ve usually been on the receiving end, having just accepted another sizeable donation from our bubbie for emergency dental work. Yes, we prefer to fritter away our money on organic groceries and expensive vodka instead of giving ten percent of our paltry income (the traditional Jewish percentage) to charity. We are bad, selfish people.
We’d like to do something to make this nagging, guilty feeling go away. The Talmud describes the different levels of tzedakah, from the least worthy to the most, as:
1. Giving begrudgingly
2. Giving less that you should, but giving it cheerfully.
3. Giving after being asked
4. Giving before being asked
5. Giving when you do not know the recipient’s identity, but the recipient knows your identity
6. Giving when you know the recipient’s identity, but the recipient doesn’t know your identity
7. Giving when neither party knows the other’s identity
8. Enabling the recipient to become self-reliant

Being lazy as well as self-indulgent, we’re going to skip right to #8. Instead of buying anyone Chanukah/other holiday gifts this year (which will save us endless hours trolling through Amazon.com,) we’re going to buy you all items from Heifer International menagerie. Which means you’ll get nothing, really, but someone less fortunate will.
The Little Rock, AR-based non-profit addresses the problem of world hunger not by sending out cans of condensed milk, but by sending the whole damn cow. For 60 years Heifer has provided needy families around the world with a way to feed themselves, create a sustainable income and pass on their good fortune by giving offspring to other poor families. One cow ($500) can produce enough milk for a family and leave enough to sell; now that’s self-reliance. An “ark” composed of fifteen pairs of useful animals ($5000) can bring an entire village out of poverty. If that’s too steep, there’s always rabbits ($60), honeybees ($30) or chickens ($20).
While Heifer’s site calls itself “faith-based,” we haven’t found any evidence that Heifer is some weird missionary sham to get heathens in poor countries to convert to Christianity. They provide non-denominational educational materials to both synagogues and churches and lead tours to places where the program has been a success. And all we have to do to help them is click to our PayPal account.
Who know tikkun olam could be so easy for retards like us?

Jon Stewart may be the prince of pundit satire, but Bill Maher reigns as the king of politically incorrect. His inappropriate truth-telling extends to the spiritual realm in an interview with HBO, in which he blasts organized religion as “childish”:
“Childish things retard the progress of society as a whole! As a society, we cannot move forward if there is a huge drag at the back of the parade!”
Maher’s mother was Jewish, but he was raised Roman Catholic, which might explain his vitriolic relationship with religion. He’s single, which definitely explains why he’s channeling his sexual frusturation towards believers. Slap a kepa on that keppe, Bill, and maybe you’ll find you a nice Jewish girl to show you it’s not all bad!

Some blabbermouth at Chicago’s Peninsula Hotel Spa is spreading the rumor that Madonna won’t wipe her sweat with a towel unless it’s been washed in Kabbalah water. At $3.50 a bottle, we figure it costs about forty bucks for a load of laundry, which makes this story unlikely as well as ridiculous. But if the Peninsula was smart, they could make back their money plus hawking schmattes blessed not only with special water, but with celebrity shvitz. Now all we need is man on the inside so we get our cut!

As if the traditionalists didn’t already have their panties in a wad over combining Jewish practices with other forms of faith (as if God an all-you-can-eat buffet,) here comes Rabbi Joseph Gelberman with “Kabbalah In Motion,” a meditative exercise routine that combines yogic traditions with Hebrew mantras. (Personally, we’ve been eating at said buffet for years, so we welcome new and creative combinations of Judaism and other.)
Rabbi Gelberman helped found the country’s first interfaith temple in the 70’s with Sri Swami Satchidananda and the Rev. Jon Mundy and is the author of Zen Judaism. He doesn’t act much like a traditional rabbi from the old country, and he calls any distinction between religions is “an insult to God.” Now he’s 92 and still kickin’, and swears his form of meditation is what keeps him alive.
“It’s not how much you know, it’s how much you feel,” he says. “The mind can be a little bit flaky. Listen to your heart.”
Dig the message, rabbi, but our mornings are flaky enough without yoga.

So as far as non-Jewish holidays go, Halloween is by far our favorite. So what if the pagans invented it? We’re always down for candy and playing dress-up. Still, we’re a little disturbed at the news that the L.A. synagogue that writer Sam Shmikler belongs to has cancelled Sunday school in observance of Halloween. Don’t Halloween festivities start at night, after the rabbi goes home and the goblins come out? We know L.A. is the land of costumes and parties, but teaching kids that little boxes of jujubees come before studying Torah is just so wrong.

And sometimes wrong goes the other way: Sam sent along this article about a Washington state school district that has cancelled its traditional Halloween parade because all the witchy-poo stuff is offensive to Wiccans. We’re pretty sure everyone knows that modern witches don’t ride brooms, a popular Halloween image that some Wiccans perceive as a negative stereotype. But shouldn’t the Wiccans be completely stoked that all the good American boys and girls want to celebrate their holiday? We respect all religions, spooky or not, but this just seems to be political over-correctedness on crack. If public schools wanted to have a Purim party, would the Jewish parents yell “negative stereotyping?” if everyone came as Haman? No way. (Okay, sorry, bad analogy as Haman wasn’t Jewish. But please, witches, let the kids have their fun.)

NewKerala India reports that rapper Missy Elliot rejected the Kabbalah bracelet her buddy Madonna has been offering to celebs all over town, touting her Christian values as the reason. We just think the red bendel isn’t bling enough for Miss E- check out the gold rope, yo!

The National Jewish Democratic Council presents Episode 2 of the liberal-minded bubbie and her demands for accountability; too bad this one isn’t nearly as offensive (or funny) as the first.

From MIStupid.com (the answer is yes, we are):

MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“But it’s your senior picture. Couldn’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something, ANYTHING…?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

JONAH’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

And, of course, our own:
JMERICA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“This is a very nice dating site, dear; so why aren’t you married already?”