An interview with best-selling children’s author Daniel Handler in J. reveals that his tsuris-ridden alter ego, Lemony Snicket, is “quite openly Jewish.”
“Like anyone with Jewish ancestry and an over-educated world view, Lemony’s life is rife with misfortune,” Handler deadpans.
Though we’ve yet to start A Series of Unfortunate Events, our favorite 10 year-old assures us there’s “no stupid kid stuff about unicorns or anything.” Actually, the stories about the Baudelaire orphans and their nemesis Count Olaf (to be played by Jim Carrey in the upcoming movie, creepy) might make us fire up our nightlight again.

Yo, couch potatoes! If you’re in the mood for some light religious comedy (maybe that’s why you’re here; it sure ain’t for the conversation) Saved! is a must-rent. A lampoon of born-again Christian teenagers, it stars teen queen Mandy Moore (who, it turns out, can actually act) as the golden girl who loves Jesus, Jenna Malone as an unwed mother with a gay boyfriend, Macaulay Culkin as a wheelchair-bound rebel and the extremely hot Eva Amurri as the only Jewish kid at a high school where you can’t swing your ponytail without getting thumped by a Bible. It’s balls-out hilarious without being too mean; the message is that self-righteous hypocrites suck and true believers aren’t the ones worried about saving your soul.
(Not that anyone’s tried to save our “Jewish heathen” souls since a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses showed up at the door and we turned them out, hours later, after forcing them to read our poetry from college.)

Now, we all know the defining physical trait of a Jewish man lays below the belt. Circumcision of a Jewish newborn boy on the eight of life is a mitzvah known as brit milah. Not only is a circumcised dong a holy covenant, it’s now been shown to reduce the risks of STD’s. For those gentlemen who haven’t yet taken the lop of faith, an enterprising company in the Netherlands has invented a handy-dandy plastic school designed for self-circumcision, cleverly called The Smart Klamp.

Through its unique design the SmartKlamp

Hallelujah for Simchat Torah! Again, this is one of those holidays that our suburban bagel upbringing doesn’t leave us much to impart, but we truly enjoy delving into online Jewish learning resources for the sake of the cause. This last day of Sukkot is one of the happiest days of the year, when we finish up the last chapter of the Torah and then start right back at the beginning (just like you would a Harry Potter novel, only God’s word is so much better!) The Torah is honored with its own dance party, when congregants joyously boogie with the scrolls to commemorate this precious, definitive gift to the Jews.
We West Coast bloggettes feel pretty darn special to share our 33rd birthday with the Torah this year. So much more fun than our 21st, which fell on Yom Kippur, making our first “official” trip to the bar after sundown a lesson in intestinal etiquette that we’d rather not repeat.
*Painting by Ukrainian artist Arenghauz Boris.

Please pay your deepest repects to Rodney Dangerfield, who passed on Tuesday at 82 following complications from heart surgery. We’ve said it before, but this tragic clown will go down as one of the funniest comics of all time. May he find kind buds and like-minded nudists wherever he is.
Here’s a list of his classic one-liners or visit his site.

Jmerica’s official personal trainer, Mark Lebos, just got back from workin’ it in Manhattan’s Central Park to promote his show, FitTV’s Housecalls. After an exhausting morning spent watching the enthusiastic cast of Bombay Dreams lead a Spandex-attired crowd through some Indian aerobics and doing a little shopping for the folks back home, he reports that he was accosted by a couple of non-English-speaking Chabadniks in traditional black-hat dress who asked him if he was Jewish and then shook a “lemon and a palm frond” over his head while davening. Lebos, who forgot that it’s a mitzvah to bless others with the etrog and lulav during Sukkot, thought they were running a Jewish lemonade stand. Now that he’s been enlightened, he’s going to design a special fitness workout using Sukkot’s accoutrements. Etrog crunches and lulav yoga, anyone? Kidding.
Funnily enough, our other favorite Jewish blog Jewlicious reports that Mark’s Chabad encounter was not unique; apparently, these guys were everywhere this week.
(the photo reads: Every Jew Shakes the Lulav and Etrog, It’s Not Too Late! From Shalom New York.
Not too late for you either; just flag down a Chabadmobile!

Although Holland counts famous diarist and Holocaust victim Anne Frank as one of its most valued personalities, she was never officially given Dutch citizenship. Obviously, her family’s German citizenship was revoked under Nazi rule, but even after they fled to the Netherlands, the Franks always expected to return to the Rhineland after the war. She remains, in spite of pressure on Dutch immigration officials, a girl without a country.
If the Dutch can’t figure this out, surely Israel or the U.S. could issue her a posthumous passport, however symbolic?

Shoulda posted this with our NYC Lemonade item. Oh well.
But it gives us an idea: After Sukkot, we’ll move the cardboard box out front and make a few bucks off the neighbors.

The Abayudaya Jews of Uganda (read more here and here) have released a new CD for your multicultural listening enjoyment.

The Music of the Jews of Uganda presents a unique collection of African-Jewish music in which the rhythms and harmonies of Africa blend with Jewish celebration and traditional Hebrew prayer. This compelling repertoire is rooted in local Ugandan music and infused with rich choral singing, Afro-pop, and traditional drumming. The repertoire includes lullabies, political and children’s song, religious rituals, hymns, and celebratory music, with song texts in Hebrew, English, and several Ugandan languages. This singular community of African people living committed Jewish lives has survived persecution and isolation and asserts, “We have been saved by our music.”

Wethinks we’ll supplant the new Wilco for this ASAP!

Apprentice 2 contestant Jennifer Crisafulli has more tsuris than simply being booted off The Donald’s reality show in front of millions of TV viewers. Trump canned her for complaining to her teammates that they lost one of the first competitions because of “two old Jewish fat ladies” who impeded the ambition-crazed real estate agent in her goal of total dominination. Now Crisafulli’s real-life boss (who couldn’t possibly have worse hair than her TV boss) has asked for her resignation in light of all the bad press she’s been receiving for her “anti-Semitic” comment (we don’t think she’s anti-Semitic, just classless and stupid.)
Says her boss: “She had everything going for her and she’s blown it. It was bad, bad, bad, bad judgment.”