Celebrity Kabbalah’s poster skank Britney Spears and her trailer trash fiance Kevin Federline have jettisoned their plans for a Jewish wedding, opting instead for a ceremony presided over Catholic monks in Malibu. Damn, no tinfoil chuppah.
Perhaps the Kabbalah Center’s media golden age has begun to wane; even our beloved Madge is daring to question where all the money she gives to the Bergs actually goes. We’ll be so bereft, though, when celebs begin to latch on to another, less relevant (to us, anyway) PR-loving cult; we’ve truly enjoyed the ride.

Things are mighty quiet around here in our Northern California borough since half the town defected to Black Rock, Nevada for the almighty freak show known as Burning Man. We’ve never been, even though we drive a VW bus (the oxymoronic issue of a Jew driving Volkswagon will be cleared up at another time); we’ve always had to, y’know, like, work. And crowds of naked painted people on drugs freak us out. Add in the heat, the dirt, the ATVs and the potential idol-worshiping violation and it’s a ready-made panic attack. As much as we’d like attend ecstatic Shabbat services at the Black Rock JCC or see our mad genius neighbor dash around the playa on his engine-run vehicle composed of one giant tractor wheel, we prefer the peace and quiet. That’s what we’re telling ourselves, anyway.

Tonight, when Bush delivers his party acceptance speech, instead of pelting the TV with the last of the season’s heirloom tomatoes, we have the option of engaging in some good ol’ fashioned civil diobedience. Way left radio talk show host and author Al Franken is urging us all to organize our political angst into The Great American Shoutout, to take place the moment Mr. President steps to the podium. Groups of people all over the land will put down the remote, throw open the windows and join together in one earthshaking “fuhgeddaboudit!” Of, if that New Yorkism falls flat on your tongue, shouters are encouraged to customize their epithet according to locale. You can find a shout party near you or go it solo, but leave those tomatoes alone.

British archaeologist Shimon Gibson claims he has found the cave where John the Baptist performed holy bath rituals and annoited the feet of his followers, located on the Kibbutz Tzuba near Jerusalem. (For those of you not up on your New Testament, John was like Jesus’ guidance counselor.) Gibson says John’s presence in the cave is confirmed by wall drawings of a figure with wild hair and dressed in animal skins as well as a sketch of John’s bloody, severed head probably put there pilgrims around 700 CE . Even if other archeologists say there’s no way Gibson can prove it was John’s cave, people want to and will believe that it is. Wonder if Kibbutz Tzuba is happy with their new title as the hot place to visit on the Christian tour circuit.

The Forward reports that a reality TV show based on the lives of an as-yet-unchosen Jewish family is in the works. The producers are searching for frummers with “poysonality” who might be willing to break a rule or two for the sake of educating the public about Judaism and, of course, entertainment. This could quite hilarious, though there are some truly dysfunctional families out there who could give television watchers a skewed view of Jewish life.
“The Mazel Tov Chronicles” is set to begin filming in September and will be released for broadcast worldwide in April 2005. The series is expected to air in Canada on Channel M, and currently the producers are in talks with distributors in Australia and in the United States.
In the meantime, if we want madcap neurotic mishegoss we’ll just phone home.

Don’t ask how we found this (too much coffee, random Google word associations) but apparently the world can credit the modern brasseire to an immigrant Jewish couple, Ida and William Rosenthal, who began the Maidenform company in 1928. Before they designed a fitted number to go under the new sleeker dress styles of the time, women were just pinning a towel to keep their bazoombas from bouncing.
They also managed to market to the Communists when no one else could; Ida visited the Soviet Union in 1963 and remarked “The Soviet woman is badly in need of help when it comes to foundations. I believe we’ll eventually have them for customers.” So that’s what brought the wall down– women wanted their push-ups, communism be damned!
We’ll never again be able to peruse a Victoria’s Secret catalog without feeling a glow of pride in our, *ahem*, breasts.

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports that “Brynwood Country Club, a Jewish golf club in Milwaukee that opened in 1929 as a haven from the discriminatory practices of another private golf club, is seeking non-Jewish members to help it survive.”
Now we know there’s some irony in here somewhere: A bunch of Jewish guys who liked to chase a little white ball around were bummed because the evil WASPs wouldn’t let them hit their balls on WASP grass. So they start their own club and have been excluding not only gentiles, but blacks, Asians, and every other minority for 75 years (except, of course, in a servile capacity. Jewish kids make lousy caddies.)
Maybe now that this reeking hypocrisy is hitting it in the coffers, the Brynwood Country Club will become what it should have been in the first place: open to all.

The Messianic Jews have launched a huge evangelical onslaught in American cities, trying desperately to baptize every Goldstein they see. That’s not going to help their reputation as a brainwashing cult.
Frankly, one of the best parts about being Jewish is that we don’t feel the need to convert anyone. We don’t care what other people believe in, even if they drink chicken blood and dance with snakes, as long as they do it at their church and let us do our thing at shul. So who are these Stepford Jews who feel the need to preach about Jesus on streetcorners?
We always wonder if missionaries get a special prize if someone bags a Jew over to the Christian side…

The Jewish Journal’s Dan Jacobs finds out that tall, blonde hotties dig scrawny nerds.
Jacobs is currently testing out his theory that girls really just want a sensitive guy who won’t try to get in their pants on the first date by starring in– what else?– a reality TV show.
The pitch: “A young man goes on the road to find out if girls are willing to defy media stereotypes that portray them as preferring only superficial qualities in guys, and give a nice, short, awkward, love-struck and sensitive guy like him a try.”
Surely, a concept less morally revolting than “The Simple Life.” You can track his “sensitive guy on the road” progress at www.fiftydates.com.

This is Nikki Schieler Ziering. She’s 33, a former Bob Barker beauty and Jewish, a convert who cooked– and burned–the gefilte fish for her first Rosh Hashanah dinner.
Thanks to Jewsweek for bringing this golden goddess to our attention.
Now go, young lads, Google your new beloved, since that’s as close to her as you’ll ever get.