True crimes ‘zine The Snitch has posted an excellent bio of Jewish gangster Meyer “The Brain” Lansky. The mastermind who helped another Jewish gangster, Bugsy Seigel, build Las Vegas to clean the mob’s filthy millions, Lansky always kept it low-pro and only pulled one 90-day jail term in 60 years of racketeering. Yeah, we know crime is bad, but we’re still proud to claim this cat who makes Tony Soprano look like the fat, stupid, fictional hack he is.
More Jewish Six Degrees: Our grandma, who worked at a bank in Miami Beach in 70’s, was Lansky’s favorite teller. She always said he was a perfect mensch, no matter what anyone said about him.

This is going to be very difficult for some J-boys out there, but we must inform you that Tori Spelling is no longer available. The actress, mostly famous for being not as pretty as her costars on a show her father produced, married actor-writer Charlie Shanian got married Saturday at her parents’ home in Beverly Hills. Please don’t shoot the messengers.

Found one for all the horny dudes out there: Why Every Good Jew Should F**k a Shikse” on www.jewgoo.com. Mr. Goo, who presumably lives in an orthodox community in North London and is obviously not getting any, gamely suggests that a little free love would do everybody on planet Earth some good.
“The world’s problems have as their foundation sexual frustration, which can be remedied with hot, wet, inter-faith unity.”
He’s pretty obscene and enjoys being shocking, but it’s hard not to find his lampoon of Abraham, Father of the Jews, as a doddering schizophrenic just a little bit funny.

We know we’re really stretching the Jewish six degrees of separation deal here, but since this week we’re honoring the 50th anniversary of Elvis’ first single “That’s All Right” we feel justfied in mentioning that our mother knows someone whose family employed Elvis as their Shabbos goy back in the day. We even found an article to back us up!
Somehow, the thought of the King flipping on light switches and bringing in the mail makes us worship him even more.

The Jewish Journal‘s Amy Klein drags us through the dating trenches in “True Confessions of A JDate Addict”. The essay runs way too long, but we guess working the 12 steps takes a lot of paragraphs. May we suggest JDaters Anonymous, dahlink, right after you fill out your Jmerica profile?

Have you heard about the lady who was remodeling her bathroom in Wyoming and came across two marble tablets noting 19th century donor records from Cincinatti’s Hebrew Union College, America’s first Jewish theological seminary? A fine discovery for Jews of the Midwest. All we ever find in our bathroom is mildew.

Read The Talmud and the Internet by Jonathan Rosen over the weekend. Generally, we’re more slackers than scholars, but this slim jewel (130 pages or so) weaves effortlessly from torah to cyberspace, helping us see that the “unknowableness” of God is mirrored in the astoundingly vastness of the universe inside these glowing screens. Just as a Web page contains words that link to other pages, each section of the Talmud leads one deeper and deeper into the ongoing discussion on the nature of God.
The Talmud, with its commentary on the law, the 613 mitzvahs and what to do if your neighbor steals your goat, made God portable after the Second Temple burned. That’s when we became like bag ladies, fanning out around the globe, schlepping everything, including our religion. The words replaced the actual place of worship, enabling us to survive. The Internet, though not exactly a holy place (we’re pretty sure there’s no porn in the Talmud,) is a place where everyone, even us wandering Jews, has a voice and a home. Rosen brings us back to what is knowable and true in perfectly wielded prose, combining history with deeply personal feelings about family and Judaism without getting too deep.
An excellent before-bed meditation or a two-afternoon beach book if you’ve already finished the Da Vinci Code.

We remember junior high being divided into two camps: those who believed Rush was the greatest rock n’ roll trio ever to come from North America and those who listened to Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam. Twenty years later, our side still reigns as the high-pitched howlings of Geddy Lee still sweep audiences out of their seats.
J. celebrates Rush’s 30 year anniversary and upcoming Bay Area performances with an in-depth look at Lee’s (born Gary Lee Weinrib) Jewish roots. He grew up in Canada, the son of Holocaust survivors who, rather than clam up about the horror, taught their child to be grateful and free in this land of plenty. He says the inspiration behind

Thanks, Fiddish, for scoring this lovely photo of little Billy Gates reading an electronic Torah at his Chinese bar mitzvah.
Seriously, why is he wearing a tallis at a press conference about Microsoft’s plans to expand in the far East? No time to change from the yeshiva lecture earlier that morning? Or is it just part of his plan to usurp all cultures and draw them under his giant corporate umbrella?

Now we’re really farklempt. MSNBC reports that tattooed, Kabbalah-wannabe shiksa Britney Spears has hired Jewish L.A. wedding planner Yifat Oren for her November nuptials to deadbeat dad Kevin Federline. Though Oren specializes in upscale themes such as “Downtown Decadence” and “Asian Modern” for her celebrity clientele, she’s busily collecting burlap napkins and gingham tablecloths for a “White Trash Barbecue” under a tinfoil chuppah.