Yo, Yenta!
My gentile roommate is making me nuts with her Christmas decorating. Right after Thanksgiving one of those fake wreaths swathed in green-and-red plaid appeared on the front door, followed by stupid Santa cutouts in the window. I already know what’s coming this week since it’s all she’s been talking about: the tree. She’s basically a nice girl, but she’s trying to rope me into hanging tinfoil or whatever on it and making a party out of the whole thing. I was raised in a home where we had a menorah, that’s it. No lights, no freakin’ Chanukah bush (she actually asked me if I wanted one!), just candlelight, and that’s the way I like it. How can I tell her to back off and that it’s my house, too?

– Help For The Holidays, Long Island, NY

Yo, Help For The Holidays!: One of the more unfortunate side effects of the so-called “Christmas spirit” is that it brings out the worst of the worst in bad taste. Oy, the grotesque elf/angel/fat man in a red suit chozzerai I have longed to snatch off my neighbors’ lawns and run Continue reading →

Yo, Yenta!
I’m an attractive, fit, single 30-something woman who smokes. I’m not some gross chain-smoker who blows smoke in people’s faces or anything; in fact, I try to be as considerate as possible of my less-than-a-half-pack a day habit. I have no intentions of quitting and I’m getting really tired of the Jewish men I date harping on me. Some of them won’t even make a second date with me based on this one part of me, which tells me that they’re too judgmental and self-righteous for me anyway. I don’t care if the person I date smokes, I just want to be accepted for who I am. How can I find a nice Jewish man who doesn’t’t care that I pop outside once in a while for a smoke break?

Chim-Chimney Gal, Cherry Hill, NJ

Yo, Chim-Chimney Gal!: Things sure have changed in America since
I was a kid. I remember my bubbe never went anywhere without a Louis
Vuitton cigarette case with a pocket for her Continue reading →

Yo, Yenta!
I am an Asian Jew and I am new to Jmerica. Are there a lot of Asian Jews around?

-The Tan Man, Miami Beach, FL

Yo, Tan Man! : Welcome to the flock. You are most likely Jmerica’s first Asian member, and right now if I added up all the Asian Jews I know personally I wouldn’t have enough for a game of Old Maid. I suspect that except for Continue reading →

Yo, Yenta!
My father just married his third wife, who I don’t care for at all. We live in the same city so I am sometimes required to put in an appearance for Friday night dinner to save my place in the will. The only saving grace about these meals is the company of the Stepmonster’s only child, a son who is two years younger than me (I’m 21.) Last week we drank two bottles of wine while our parents discussed their maid problems, and we ended up playing footsie under the table. Now I get tingly feelings when I think about him and I plan to show up for dinner again this week. Are there rules about fooling around with your stepbrother, even if you’re both consenting adults and you don’t live in the same house?

– Wicked Stepsister, Atlanta, GA

Yo, Wicked Stepsister: Whoa, honey, what are you, smoking crack? If you think you’re stepmother is a farbissina now, just wait ’til she finds out you’re shtupping her son. And she will, because sons tell Continue reading →

Yo, Yenta!
I’ve recently gone through a break-up of a seven year relationship and am ready to start dating again. I’ve always been a confident guy and never had any trouble in the past with women. But while I was with my ex, I began to lose my hair. Now I have to face the dating scene as the “bald guy” instead of just myself and I’m not looking forward to making the transition. I’m considering hair plugs or another means of hair replacement. I’ve always been against that kind of thing since I believe whatever G-d gives us, we should honor. But I’m starting to think if it makes the difference between finding a great woman and spending my evenings alone, I’m willing to change my attitude about it. What do you think?

– Chrome Dome, Atlanta, GA

Yo, Chrome Dome! : I could gab forever about what a superficial world we inhabit, the money spent on clothes, plastic surgery and private Pilates sessions and the lack of confidence we have in our plain, unimproved, cellulite-ridden selves when it comes to Continue reading →

Yo, Yenta!
I’m not a bad-looking guy, 28 years old, trying to find a nice Jewish girl that my grandmother would approve of. I mean, literally, because I actually live with my grandma and her opinion counts for a lot. I moved in with her two years ago when her health started failing. Rather than hire someone to take care of her, my family decided that since I have no apparent career goals (I’m in a band and work at a cafe) that I should look after her. It’s not a bad arrangement, since I don’t pay rent and we like most of the same TV shows, but when it comes to dating a new girl, there’s always an awkward moment when I tell her I share a two-bedroom apartment with an 82 year-old woman. I don’t get many second dates. How do I find someone who doesn’t care that I wear a beeper just in case Grandma falls and can’t get up?

– Obedient Grandson, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Yo, Obedient Grandson : It sounds like you’ve resigned yourself to loserhood just because a couple of women couldn’t appreciate the mitzvah you’re doing for your family.
What a gift to your bubbe to have a strong, young man whom she’s known since before his trip to the mohel caring for her instead of a gum-cracking Continue reading →

Yo, Yenta!
I was raised in a religious home where modesty was very important. I live on my own now and I enjoy living a secular life, but I’m still not comfortable wearing tight clothes that make men stare. Is there a way to look stylish and be attractive to men without showing a lot of skin?

– Feeling Frumpy, Atlanta, GA

Yo, Frumpy!: Oh, you seem like such a shayner maydeleh-so many of the girls today dress like such-how shall I put this delicately-sluts. When did it become socially acceptable to show one’s brastraps to the world? And those thong panties peeking out Continue reading →

Yo, Yenta!
I am in love with a Jewish girl and I’m planning to ask her to marry me. I’m willing to convert and raise our kids Jewish. My problem is that I was raised by pagan hippies on a commune and I’m not circumcised. I’m 28 years old and I really don’t want anyone near my weiner with a knife. Should I suck it up and plan to lose the tip? What is the Jewish law concerning adult circumcision?

– Unclipped Convert, San Francisco, CA

Yo, Unclipped!: Any man willing to draw blood for his lady is quite a mensch, indeed. The ritual of male circumcision, brit milah, is commanded in the Book of Genesis by G-d as a covenant with the Jewish people. It’s usually perfomed by a professional penis-snipper called a mohel when a baby boy Continue reading →

Yo, Yenta!
I have a friend who met a girl who he’d consider settling down with but he still feels like he has more partying and exploring to do before he reaches that point. He doesn’t want to risk losing the possibility of being with the girl, so when do you suggest it’s the right time to settle down and lay down the “pimp” hat for good? Also how would he know if that girl IS the right one for him?

– Pimpin’ Player, Miami, FL

Yo, Pimpin’ Player: You, I mean, your friend (*wink, wink*) suffers from a run-of-the-mill case of Male Commitment Disease, an affliction that causes a guy to be distracted by passing skirts and high heels no matter how gorgeous and special the woman sitting Continue reading →

Yo, Yenta!
I’m having a hard time filling out my profile for Jmerica. What is it with all the weird questions? Some of these things don’t apply to me at all, and I can’t imagine caring what someone else would go to jail for. I just want to attract someone like me: normal.

– Single Jewish Male, Los Angeles, CA

Yo, SJM: Before you dis and dismiss our carefully crafted Jmerica questionnaire, especially designed by a team of brilliant Yale psychologists who have distilled the prime attributes of human behavior into these seemingly simple topics, consider this: Continue reading →