From my friends at the j. jokes page:
On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally, people ask what kind of breadcrumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
For ordinary sins: White bread
For complex sins: Multigrain
For twisted sins: Pretzels
For sins of indecision: Waffles
For sins committed in haste: Matzah
For sins of chutzpah: Fresh bread
For substance abuse: Stoned wheat
For use of heavy drugs: Poppy seed
For committing auto theft: Caraway
For tasteless sins: Rice cakes
For ill-temperedness: Sourdough
For silliness and eccentricity: Nut bread
For not giving full value: Shortbread
For excessive irony: Rye bread
For particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel
For dressing immodestly: Tarts
For causing injury to others: Tortes
For being holier than thou: Bagels
For dropping in without notice: Popovers
For overeating: Stuffing
For raising your voice too often: Challah
For pride and egotism: Puff pastry
For sycophancy: Brownies
For laziness: Any long loaf
For trashing the environment: Dumplings
For telling bad jokes/puns: Corn bread
Now I know I probably should of thrown corn bread and definitely some challah in the Back River, but all I had were a bag of old croissants and tortilla chips for the sin of being culturally confused?
The Ultimate Tashlich Bread List 5767
Compiled by Leigh, Mike, Corey, Miriam & Barry Davis
On the afternoon of the first day of Rosh Hashanah, Jews hold a service called Tashlich. For this service, people toss a piece of bread into a running body of water, like a stream. The act of tossing the bread into the stream signifies G-d will forgive our past misdeeds. This year we invite our friends to help us to update our Tashlich list by emailing us your suggestions and by coming up with a sin for the following bread: Texas Toast. The best suggestions will be added to our next years list.
If anyone kneads ideas for what type of bread to use for a particular sin, here are a few (over 130) suggestions: * New for 5767
For not having any sins: Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul: Devils Food Cake
For the sin of raisin’ hell: Raisin Bread*
For little white lies: Croutons
For tasteless sins: Rice Cakes
For being Secretary of State: Condoleezza Rice Cakes*
For writing novels about vampires: Anne Rice Cakes*
For writing Harry Potter Novels: J. K. Rollings*
(by Leigh and Shira)
For wearing tasteless hats: Tam Tams
For dark sins: Pumpernickel
For complex sins: Multi-Grain
For being deceitful: Baked goods with Olestra
For truly twisted sins: Pretzels
For being long winded: Bread Sticks
For going off your Atkins diet: Wheat Thins
For being anorexic: Fat Free Bread
For ordinary sins: White Bread
For sexual sins: Date Bread
For truly rotten sins: Moldy Bread
For bring uninspiring: Stale Bread
For flirting: Fresh Bread
For impetuosity: Bisquick Bread
For adding to injuries: Salt Rising Bread*
For annoying others: Pesto Bread*
For lust in your heart: Wonder Bread
For bad breath: Garlic Bread
For being bitter: Sourdough Bread
For not giving full value: Shortbread
For rabbis sermons being too long: Shortn’n Bread*
For being miserly: Enriched Bread
For sins against your family: Home Made Bread
For smothering your spouse: Honey Bread
For being doubtful of others: Wonder Bread
For substance abuse: Poppy Seed Bread
For dependence on stimulants – Coffee Cake*
For inhaling marijuana: Stoned Wheat Bread
(Pres. Clinton can disregard)
For giving negative feedback: Flack Seed Bread*
For committing auto theft: Caraway Bread
For getting carried away: Caraway Rolls*
For sins committed during Halloween: Pumpkin Bread
For giving someone the slip: Banana Bread
For being a follower: A Second Banana Bread
For excessive use of irony: Rye Bread
For being a hard ass: Marble Rye Bread
For not being fruitful and multiplying: Seedless Rye
For excessive irony about the former USSR: Russian Rye
For not caring about excessive irony: American Rye
For feeling guilty for excessive irony: Jewish Rye
For being holier-than-thou: Bagels
For screaming too loud: Challah
For not putting coins in the pushke: Pumpernickel
For changing your Jewish sounding last name: Cones
For davening off tune: Flat Bread
For sins committed in haste: Matzah
For sins in less than 18 minutes: Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah: Matzah Balls
For not eating kosher foods: Special K
For killing a succession of people: Cereal
For playing on the Cleveland Indians: Coco Crisp
For having phony sounding British accent: Cheerios
For acting crazy: Fruit Loops
For being blonde: Frosted Flakes*
For abrasiveness: Grits
For littering: Dumplings
For over-eating: Stuffing
For sins of indecision: Waffles
For being cheesy: Pizza
For cruelty to animals: Pita (PETA)*
For having a hidden agenda: Pita Pocket
For overacting: Ham Sandwich
For being Bad, Lazy and Tyrannical: B L T*
For being grumpy, sneezy or dopey: Hi Hos
For not believing in Santa Claus: Ho Hos
For pedophilia: Little Debbies
(Its tasteless, so use some rice cakes.)
For getting breast implants: Cupcakes
For being a bad host: Hostess Cupcakes*
For silliness: Fruitcake
For indecent photography: Cheese Cake
For original sin: Apple Cake
For living off your relatives: Sponge Cake
For being obese: Pound Cake
For stealing second base: Bundt Cake
For racism: Crackers
For sophisticated racism: Ritz Crackers
For being where fashion sits: Ritz
For Jingoism: Yankee Doodles
For not knowing the metric system: Graham Crackers
For mistreating pets: Animal Crackers
For keeping your pet in the car too long: Hot Dog Buns
For lechery and promiscuity: Hot Buns
For promiscuity with a Catholic: Hot Cross Buns
For being an ass: Buns
For bad hygiene: Sticky Buns
For a slim female with a fat ass: Butter Buns*
(Shes looks great, butter buns!)
For sycophancy, ass-kissing: Brownies (Yuck!)
For petty larceny: Stollen
For committing arson: Toast
For timidity/cowardice: Milk Toast
For causing injury or damage to others: Tortes
For immodest dressing: Tarts
For not honoring your father: Pop Tarts
For dropping in without notice: Popovers
For harboring a criminal: Turnovers
For sins of self-importance: Puff Pastry
For hardening your heart: Doughnuts
For laziness: A Loaf
For being a bat outa hell: Meatloaf
(We know, its not a bread)
For cheating in golf: A Slice
For cutting remarks: Sliced Bread*
For gambling: Chips
For playing the slot machines: Pumpernickel
For eating shellfish: Oysters Crackers*
For eating ham: Sausage Rolls
For playing craps: Hard Roll
For being flabby: A Roll
For being late for supper: Dinner Roll
For war-mongering: Kaiser Roll
For sins against your follow man: Sin-a-men Rolls*
For showing off by driving an expensive car: Rolls*
For speeding in your convertible: Split Top Bread
(Last year winner!)
For driving over the speed limit: Russian Bread*
For gobbling your food: Turkey Roll
(Again, not a bread, but who cares!)
For sins committed out of the country: Italian Bread
For taxation without representation: English Muffins
For exotic sins: French Bread
For not supporting our troops: French Toast
For our military troops: Hero Bread
For the sins of Saddam Hussein: Shaken Bake
For impersonating female deer: Dough
For rabbis philosophizing excessively: Philo Dough* For being cranky: Crust
For being shallow: Pie Crust
For reading all these Tashlich suggestions: Nut Bread
Finally, for the sin of coming up with these bad puns: Cornbread
The Davis wish all our friends,
HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR!
For next year
For the sins of Gorge W. Bush: Texas Toast
New addtions “Ultimate Tasclich List” for 5768
Please email suggetions to BDavis@zoomintertnet.net
For not washing your hands : Wheat Germ Bread
For not finishing your plate: Whole Meal Bread
For gambling in China: Fortune Cookies
For mugging Muslims: Crescent Rolled
Violating the speed limit: Quick Bread
Poaching: Bearclaw
Creating Zombies: Raisin’ Bread (I like this one)
Leigh’s
For being a slut more than twice: Ho Hos
For being a crack whore: Hi Hos
For not suggesting a bread: Nothin Honey
Mikes
For drinking to much pop: Irish Soda Bread
New addtions “Ultimate Tasclich List” for 5768
Please email suggetions to BDavis@zoomintertnet.net
For not washing your hands : Wheat Germ Bread
For not finishing your plate: Whole Meal Bread
For gambling in China: Fortune Cookies
For mugging Muslims: Crescent Rolled
Violating the speed limit: Quick Bread
Poaching: Bearclaw
Creating Zombies: Raisin’ Bread (I like this one)
Leigh’s
For being a slut more than twice: Ho Hos
For being a crack whore: Hi Hos
For not suggesting a bread: Nothin Honey
Mikes
For drinking to much pop: Irish Soda Bread
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