IS ANYONE ELSE SUFFERING FROM TINNITUS FROM WATCHING WORLD CUP?

El Yenta Man has had the volume turned up from dawn ’til dawn on various soccer matches all week and normally, I’m not one to object to sexy men of all global flavors kicking and sweating.

And though I’ve always appreciated the drunken enthusiasm displayed by football fans worldwide, I’m about to book a midnight flight to South Africa just so I can grab up all those GAWDAMN PLASTIC HORNS AND SHOVE THEM WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE.

Speaking of where the sun don’t shine, those plastic horns are actually called vuvuzelas, another reason why they should be considered obscene and banned from existence.

To make matter worse, the company that’s responsible for supplying the most of the world with these horrific instruments of deaf is FROM ISRAEL.

To paraphrase Tablet‘s Marc Tracy, the world might now actually have a legitimate reason to hate Israel.

But maybe there’s a method to the sonorific madness: Maybe all this caterwauling will break down the lies and propaganda like Joshua’s trumpets brought down the walls of Jericho?

Eh. In the meantime, I’m wearing earplugs. And if any joker decides to break out a vuvuzela at Rosh Hashanah as an ersatz shofar, I will start a riot to put the Scottish to shame.

UPDATE:

My dear friend and acoustical genius Jory Prum just informed me that a company, Waves, has already come up with an innovative plug-in that specifically reduces vuvuleza noise. Of course, you know Waves is based in…wait for it…Israel. Let the conspiracy theories begin!