When we were little children we used to dream about going to the Oscars and walking down the red carpet. Until our fantasies became nightmares haunted by an ongoing Velcro-voiced narrative of “Oh! Did you see this gown? She looks like P. Diddy in drag! Oh, please!” When Joan Rivers took over the red carpet commentary, we knew we’d never, ever go to the Oscars (even if we were nominated by the Academy) for fear of her raspy wrath. But on this side of the screen she’s pretty damn funny.
Joan, who looks like she’s been frequenting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson, has ditched her post as E!’s Oscars Wicked Witch and signed a fat deal with the TV Guide Channel. Her daughter Melissa, who has no discernible career skills other than concurring with her mother and vapidly flashing her flawless orthodontia, will join her, of course.