I was all prepared to catch y’all up on some terrific stories, like Benyamin Cohen’s surreal profile of Atlanta’s African Hebrew Israelites in American Jewish Life and how those crazy kids at Brandeis University are exploring the origin of punk rock and Judaism, but you’re just gonna have to do for yourselves today, ’cause I got bigger problems:

I bit into a piece of popcorn last night and my front f*ckin’ tooth flew off.

Those sweet readers who have been with me from my meager beginnings may recall that I had the veneers on my front four teeth replaced a little over two years ago at a thousand bucks a tooth. It was not a fun process. While I wiled away many hours in the vinyl dentist’s recliner, listening to lite rock (what sadistic radio exec is responsible for the immortality of “Dust in the Wind”?) in between the neuron-jangling whir of the drill, I took solace in the knowledge that I wouldn’t have to do this again for at least a decade, since my previous caps lasted 15 years. Ha! @#$$@$!!!

Somehow, I don’t think dentists have warranties on their work. Even if they did, I’d have to fly back to California to the same inept mouth torturer who’s responsible for the gaping hole in my piehole.

So I’ll be spending the morning seeking out a talented new dentist (Jewish, of course) in Savannah who can match up the broken parts of my mouth. Aren’ja glad this isn’t a video blog?

Have I mentioned El Yenta Man is currently unemployed, and therefore uninsured?

There is, however, a silver lining: With a missing front tooth, I’m fitting right in with the locals. Come to think of it, if I went with a gold replacement with a CZ, I’d be Queen of the South.

Update: Humpty Dumpty’s smile has been put back together again, thanks to the kind and gentle Dr. Scott Cohen. It only hurt a lil’ bit. But my corn-on-the-cob days are probably over forever.