I know I must be approaching retirement because I feel compelled to share with you the many minor medical issues I’m suffering from this week. And like my other AARP buddies, I’m quite positive you will find them fascinating:

*A mysterious itching on my forearms that I am quite sure is leprosy but cannot confirm until my fingers drop off onto my computer keyboard because the dermatologist can’t see me until January.

*A back molar that will not tolerate hot, cold, chewing or brushing – and I’ve probably already got mercury poisoning from the loose filling.

*Two goopy eyes so bloodshot it looks like I’ve been out doing meth with hobos but is actually just a disgusting case of Pink Eye I most likely picked up a the most horrific PortaPotty you could possibly imagine because Little Yenta Girl couldn’t hold it for five more minutes until we got home.

*As always, a sore hip.

I spent more time in doctor’s offices this week than I did at work – I just love shelling out $40 a pop for co-pays, don’t you? I also squeezed in two visits to the acupuncturist who’s treating the nerve damage caused by last spring’s hip surgery (don’t get too excited – this is not covered by insurance.)

I have, however, to find an upside to this tsuris collection: Yesterday at the JEA Senior Lunch I managed to out-kvetch a table of 80-somethings.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go put on a housecoat, eat dinner at 3pm and fall asleep to “Matlock”.