Okay, look, I admit I’m a conspiracy geek. I’m the person who would not be surprised one bit if some type of archaeological evidence surfaced proving that a lost tribe of Israel somehow wandered over to what is now Southern Ohio around 500 C.E. I was completely obsessed with Area 51 in college (such a shame one couldn’t major in government dissidence back then.) I look at ancient alien archaeology and crop circle photos the way your creepy neighbor looks at porn. I still totally believe Anita Hill. (Please do not send your 9/11 craziness to me because I’ve already heard it all, m’kay?)

So if anyone’s going to believe in Bible Codes, it’s me, right? Finding secret messages in the Torah embedded there by aliens sounds like something that would keep me up nights with a flashlight, a siddur and Art Bell on the radio. I mean, it’s been scientifically vetted, and actual rabbis teach the theory. Sure, it’s to evangelical Apocalypse mongers what the Celestine Prophecy was to flaky New Age whackdoodles, but gosh, everyone needs something to believe in. Counting letters in the Pentateuch to predict earthquakes isn’t nearly as weird as reading goat entrails or whatever.

Except I picked up Michael Drosnin’s bestselling book the other day on the bargain table at Barnes & Noble and I have to say I think I could probably make the same connections if I smoked some weed and got down with my daughter’s Hello Kitty wordfind. I may be getting cynical in my old age, though I am always open to listening to your conspiracy rants in the comments section.

However, I must should out a big, wet todah raba to reader Darren for tipping me off to ShalomStacy’s blog, who shows there are still many Jewish mysteries to be explained. For instance, there is clearly a secret mission being carried out via all Mac-to-Microsoft software icons to subliminally teach basic Hebrew to those who come in contact with its interface. How else to explain THIS?