Rick Ross of Cultnews.com wrote this week that Scientology has been plying Victoria Beckham with free books and friends in high places, but the soccer wife formerly known as Posh Spice remains devoted to Kabbalah (Exhibit A: She’s still wearing her red string, in spite of its liability as a “so over” accessory.)

I think I may know why Miz Beckham remains on the Jewishy side of CultTown: She’s birthed two children and must’ve gotten to the part in Dianetics about this silent birthing nonsense. (According to L. Ron Hubbard, yelling and writhing while something scrapes its nose along the bones of your pelvis causes psychic damage to a baby.) And I’m guessing Posh, who has already endured plastic surgery and god-knows-what-kind-fad-dieting in the name of motherhood, considered what would happen if her superfine husband knocked her up again, took a sip of her apple martini and said “Um, yes, well, f*ck that sh*t.”

Silent birth, my tushie. And speaking of Kabbalistic ass, have you seen the Britney birthing-on-a-tiger-rug sculpture?